Be a Friendship Coach for Your Child

Children aren't born knowing how to cooperate, share, and communicate. These are learned skills, and parents play a big role in helping children learn them. Many of the skills of good friendship must also be learned. When children struggle with them, parents can help by playing a coaching role.

Different children have different needs for friendship coaching. Some may need no help at all. They are naturally outgoing, quick in learning the give and take required for friendship, intuitively understand the needs and emotions of others, and can manage their own negative emotions. Other children may need encouragement and guidance:

• A shy child may need encouragement to reach out and make new friends, and help in overcoming a natural tendency to withdraw in the face of disagreement or conflict.
• A child who is quick to anger may need coaching in slowing down impulsive reactions and managing negative emotions.
• A child with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) may need coaching to ease off and give the other child a break for a period of quieter or separate activity.
• A child who reacts physically to feelings of anger or frustration may need coaching on other ways to respond to these feelings, and firm guidance to avoid hurting a friend.
• If, in observing your child play with friends, you notice that your child seems to annoy other children, try to understand why, and coach your child on how to behave differently.

Many children can also benefit from a parent's coaching on the basic skills of friendship:

• Making conversation—Teach them the kinds of questions that tend to open up a conversation (sharing likes and dislikes, asking about pets), about not interrupting or hogging the conversation, and the kinds of responses and body language that help show interest and keep a conversation going.
• Showing empathy and compassion—Responding with genuine concern when someone shares a concern or problem, asking how they feel, and expressing support are all important tenets of any relationship.
• Compromise and negotiation—A child who insists on getting their own way every time will have a tough time making and keeping friends. Explain and demonstrate to your child the benefits that come from being flexible in interactions.

The best time for this coaching is in one-on-one time with your child, perhaps reflecting on experiences at school or on a play date. Role-playing with your child, with you pretending to be another child, can be an effective coaching technique. While adult intervention may be needed during a play date to cool emotions and keep play or disagreements from becoming too physical, it's usually better to do that using distraction or temporarily separating the children, rather than teaching children social skills in each other's presence.

If your child is having continued problems with friendships, you might bring it up with your child's pediatrician. Some medical conditions, including ADHD and autism spectrum disorder, can affect a child's social abilities. With a professional diagnosis, support from a specialist can make a big difference.

Help your child process the emotions of friendship.

All friendships have their ups and downs. This is especially true of childhood friendships, as children learn the skills of friendship through trial and error. Children are also experiencing those ups and downs for the first time, which can magnify their impact.

Encourage your child to talk with you about the emotions of friendship, such as feelings of rejection when friendships change, or anger after conflict with a friend. As an adult, you know that arguments are a part of friendship and that friendships aren't always long lasting, but a young child doesn't have that perspective:

• Encourage your child to talk about their feelings. Acknowledge that those emotions are deeply felt, rather than dismissing them.
• Share what you've learned about the ups and downs of friendship, as well as how to bounce back when things seem difficult and emotions are painful.
• Offer guidance on how to recover from a disagreement, how to apologize and forgive, and how to reach out and invite reconnection after a breach.
• Help your child see the situation from the friend's point of view.
• Talk about how to keep in touch with a friend who moves away. Suggest ways to deal with the feelings of sadness and loneliness the loss might bring out.

Quality is more important than quantity when it comes to friends.

Respect your child's personality. One to three good friends is enough for most children:

• Don't push an introverted child into friendships they may not want. A shy child may enjoy time with one friend but be overwhelmed or anxious in larger groups.
• Some children, including those with ADHD, may be more comfortable with children who are younger than they are, who are better aligned with their interests and energy levels. That's fine. Encourage any friendships that seem to be enjoyable to both children.
• Gifted children may be more comfortable with adults, finding little in common with most children their own age. If you observe this in your child, look for ways to connect with other children who have similar interests and can engage in more sophisticated play.