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Assertiveness
Assertiveness
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If you find yourself saying "yes” when what you really want to say is "no” and then later regretting it or getting angry with yourself or the other person, a solution you want to consider is to learn to assert yourself. Assertiveness does not mean always getting your own way. It does mean knowing that you are entitled to have your own opinions, ways, and reasons for doing things.
Confused by the difference between aggressive and assertive? Assertive means asking for what you want, while acknowledging the other person's rights, feelings and opinions whereas being aggressive means trying to get what you want through anger, intimidation, or threats with little regard for how your words may affect the other person. Aggressive words often lead to arguments and bad feelings, and the results are usually the opposite of what you hope for. On the other hand, being assertive shows a mutual respect, a willingness to listen, and a desire to seek a workable compromise. That's a balancing act for sure, but over time, assertive communication will feel less awkward and become much more comfortable and natural for you.
Now, think of a situation with another person where you didn't speak up for yourself and you would like to be a bit more assertive. Next, write down what you would like to say to that person. First describe the problem in terms of that person's actions and how they affect you. Then describe what you would like to have them do. Make sure you are expressing yourself without attacking the person or becoming defensive. Practice your statement several times until you are comfortable enough to give it a go. After you have rehearsed what you are going to say and how you are going to say it, stick to your game plan. Keep it short, sweet, and above all; keep your voice calm, and make plenty of eye contact. Rambling, being defensive, trying to explain too much, or getting too emotional will only muddle your message and undercut your desired outcome.
Even though being assertive doesn't guarantee you will get what you want, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you spoke your mind and asked for the respect you deserve. With practice over time, you will rarely fear rejection or have those worries about making people angry that used to make you act unassertively. Once assertive communication does become second nature, the certain result will be a boost to your self-confidence.
I am Psychologist, Dr. Michael Broder.