Reviving Your Relationship

You never thought it would happen to you. The one who swept you off your feet won't even sweep out the garage anymore. The lover of your dreams snores like a hog with a head cold. The fling has been flung.

Lack of communication, fatigue, stress, and unspoken resentment can zap the zip out of any couple. It's alarming, if not downright frightening. You may be lying awake at night, wondering if you made the right decision, maybe even wondering if it's time to end your relationship.

Two evils extinguish the flame of a relationship:

• Getting stuck in a rut
• Taking your partner for granted

Rekindling the flame is simple:

• Plan spontaneity.
• Treasure your partner.

Plan to be spontaneous.

Eliminating the first evil is even easier than you think—just do something you haven't done before. There are lots of ways to surprise and delight your mate. What you dream up is limited only by your imagination, resources, and inclinations.

Here are some suggestions to get you started:

• Write a love note, and leave it in a jacket pocket or on a windshield, or send it as an email.
• Touch your partner more than usual when you talk, at dinner, or when you're walking. It sends a loving message.
• Plan a sexy surprise your partner.
• Pick a complicated recipe from a favorite cookbook, and divide the tasks to prepare it.
• Create an amorous treasure hunt. Put notes at each stop giving clues to the next location.

Treasure your partner.

The second evil, taking your partner for granted, may be a little more difficult to solve. A lot of people avoid addressing this one because it involves admitting that they took their partner for granted in the first place. The trick to this one is remembering to communicate.

For starters, make sure your mate's receiving the love signals you're sending. When one partner feels unappreciated, it's usually because you're operating on different frequencies. One who values an attractive home thinks that mowing the lawn and raking the leaves shows their partner love and care. However, the partner values family time, then they may end up thinking all this yard work is just to escape the kids. If the couple doesn't communicate with each other, this misunderstanding can lead to serious problems.

Treat your partner as well as you did when you first fell in love. Pay attention, apologize when you make a mistake, and compliment your partner. Tell them what you found so attractive then, and why you still do now.

Rekindle the flame.

After you've eliminated the two evils of routine and lack of appreciation, it's time to bring back the love. If you want to rekindle the flame, start wooing your beloved again:

• Schedule dates. They don't have to be complicated, expensive, or even at night. Take a walk, go to the gym together, or meet for lunch during the workweek.
• Celebrate anniversaries. Remember your first date, your first kiss, the day you met each other and your heart flipped, or the day you knew it would be forever.
• Plan romantic getaways. Find a bed and breakfast or inn that's no more than a couple of hours' drive from your home. Prepare some surprises, such as a room with a working fireplace, a horseback-riding lesson, or tickets to a concert.
• Plan romantic weekends at home. Drop the kids at a friend's house, hire a maid service to clean your place, and go shopping: flowers, favorite foods, candles, wine, and bath and massage products. Play your favorite mood music.
• Rent a movie. Sure, you could go out to the movies, but isn't it nicer to be home in the arms of your beloved when it ends?

A Few More Relationship Revival Tips

Remember, "love" is a verb.

You know better than anyone what you can do to make your partner feel loved and cherished. Never stop courting, dating, and flirting with your partner.

Keep talking.

The best way to dissolve anger, frustration, and resentment is through communication. Communicating came naturally when you were dating, before you were officially a couple. You talked, discussed, maybe argued, but always with a genuine interest in getting to know each other. What about now? You can rebuild your relationship by one affectionate, heartfelt word at a time. Be a good listener, too, and make eye contact.

Cultivate a faulty memory.

People are always aware of their partner's flaws and failings. Feel free to recognize them, and then let them go. Make every effort to overlook your mate's blunders and inadequacies. Instead, concentrate on what's pleasurable and what succeeds in the life you share with your beloved. Choose to have a memory like a steel trap about your anniversary, your partner's birthday, and your partner's favorite things.

Do something unromantic.

Delight your partner by running the errands one morning, doing one of their weekly chores, or walking the dog in the morning so they can sleep late. This kind of thoughtfulness may seem unrelated to passion, but it's not. Think of it as long-term foreplay, because it will put you both in good moods and make you more likely to feel amorous later on.