Guidelines for Keeping Your Friendships Strong (Part 2)

Communicate openly.

To communicate openly with another person, you need to have a feeling of trust with him or her. This develops gradually over time as you come to know the person better and your friendship becomes closer. Tell your friends what you need and want, and ask them what they want and need from you. Tell them all important pieces of information, but do not share so much information about minute details that the other person gets bored. Watch the response you are getting from the person or people you are talking to, so you can know if this is the right time to be sharing this information or the right subject for the person. You may need to change what you are saying and when you are saying it according to the response you observe. Avoid sharing details of traumatic events that might upset the other person.

Depending on what you are talking about, you may want to talk in a place that is private and where you won't be interrupted, that is congenial and physically comfortable, and that is quiet with few distractions.

Activity: Think about something special that is going on in your life. Tell a friend or someone you know and like about it. Ask them to tell you about something special that is going on in their life.

Listen and share equally.

Listen closely to what the other person is saying. Let the other person know you are paying close attention through eye contact, body language and occasional brief comments like, "I knew you could do it," "That sounds like fun," or "I bet you wish it had happened some other way." Avoid thinking about what your response is going to be while the person is talking. If a person is sharing something intense and personal, give them your full attention. Don't share an "I can top that" story.

Avoid giving others advice unless they ask for it. Just listening is fine! In some cases, you can summarize what you hear them saying or ask clarifying questions, but it is never necessary to "fix the problem" for them. People often need to share the details of hard times or difficult experiences over and over again, until they have "gotten it out of their system" or figured out a way to take some action or solve the problem. You can be a really good friend by listening to the same story again and again, reassuring that it is OK to do this. Never make fun of what the other person thinks or feels. Avoid judging or criticizing the other person.

Sometimes it may be important to be realistic about how much time you can spend listening and let the other person know how much time you have. Be sure that you also have about equal time to share whatever it is you would like to share. Don't be embarrassed by emotions that come up for you or the other person while you are sharing.

Activities:

• Practice listening closely to someone who is telling you about a hard time they are having. Give the person your full attention. Let him or her know you care by saying things like "I am sorry you are having such a hard time."
• Arrange to spend half an hour with a friend or someone you know, even a family member. Agree to share the time equally—one of you talks for the first fifteen minutes while the other listens—and then you change roles.

Take equal responsibility for the friendship.

Both people in a friendship need to take responsibility for the friendship. For instance, you should be making plans for shared activities some of the time, and your friend should be making these plans some of the time. If you are taking all of the responsibility for the friendship, talk to your friend about it, and figure out a way to make the friendship more equal.

Activity: Contact someone who has recently invited you to an activity or done something special for you, and return the favor. If you can't think of anyone who has invited you anywhere or done something special for you, do something nice for someone who is nice to you—like complimenting a store clerk who is bagging your groceries or thanking your mail delivery person for being so prompt.

Keep personal information confidential.

As you feel more and more comfortable with the other person, you will find that you talk more and share more personal information. Have a mutual understanding that anything personal the two of you discuss is absolutely confidential and that you will not share personal information about each other with other people.

Have a good time.

Spend most of your time with your friends doing fun, interesting activities together. Sometimes friendships get "bogged down" if all you ever do is talk about each other's struggles. Go to a movie, walk on the beach, play ball, watch a fun movie, work on an art project, cook a meal—whatever would be fun for both of you. Take turns suggesting and initiating these activities.

Activity: Call a friend, or someone you know who you hope will become a friend, and ask them to share a fun activity with you—like going to a movie, watching a movie, or making supper together.

Stay in touch.

Maintain regular contact with your friends and supporters, even when things are going well. Give them a call, or send them a note or an email. Always have a plan for your next meeting—whether it is tomorrow or next month. If you have to change it, do so—but always have a plan. If you can't end a visit by making a plan, make a plan to make a plan, such as "I'll call you Saturday to find a time we can get together." If something you want to share comes up in the meantime, you can arrange a get-together by phone or in person, but always have something planned.

You will find that regular, scheduled contact is the best way to assure that your friendship will remain strong. It means making a commitment to the friendship. Many people find it is helpful to plan ahead for times when they know they may feel lonely, like on the weekend, in the evening, or on holidays. Plan get-togethers for these hard times at least several days in advance and, especially around the holidays, even further ahead. It often is difficult to make last-minute plans for time together with friends.

Activity: Call a friend or someone you hope will become a friend, and arrange to get together at a time when you know it might be hard for you to be alone.

Home Visits

Good friends often spend time in each other's homes. By making these times together special, you can enrich your friendships. You can make your friends feel welcome and comfortable in your home:

• Focus your full attention on your friends when they are in your home.
• Have a clear, comfortable area for visiting.
• Turn off the television and radio when you are talking or involved in an activity together.
• Ask other family members to be friendly and welcoming but not too intrusive.
• Confine pets that may overwhelm or frighten your friends.

Activity: Call and invite a friend or someone you hope will become a friend for a visit in your home.

Losing a Friend

Everyone loses a friend from time to time because of things like moving, changes in life focus, relationship difficulties, or even death. This is difficult for everyone. Spend some time "being with" the sadness that you feel—as much time as you feel you need. Take time to cry, if that feels right to you. Then, spend time with other friends, and do things that you enjoy. You even may want to begin making some new friends when you feel ready to do that. The sadness from losing a friend may never go away. You will adjust to it, and your life will feel good again.

Activity: Talk about the loss of this special person with an understanding friend or someone you know well.