The Real "Golden Girls": Living Single After 55

Who needs to retire with a husband when you can retire with your girlfriends? This is the case for Brook and Jenny of Ithaca, New York—both 59—and their friends, who are all single and have plans for retiring together. "My girlfriends are all different. There are about eight in our circle, and I think a man would screw it all up!" chuckles Brook.

"We talk about buying a house together when we retire," says Jenny. "I could see us being like The Golden Girls."

With retirement plans in the back of their minds, the "Golden Girls" still have plenty to do together. Between full-time jobs and taking care of aging parents, the women go out to dinner or the movies regularly. "There's a ton of us. I don't feel like I'm going to grow old alone because I have such a great group of friends," says Brook.

Jenny is the Executive Assistant and Office Manager in the mechanics shop of a local university, so she has plenty of men around. "I like men; I work with 23 of them everyday!" she says. "When people ask me what I do, I always say 'I tell 23 men where to go everyday!'" According to her, they happily oblige, though she jokes it may have something to do with her being in charge of payroll.

Brook says "I like being single. There's lots of freedom, I'm not tied down; I have time to do what I want. I'm not worried about other people, so I can concentrate on myself."

Jenny also attests to single life, "I guess I [must] like it because I've been single for 59 years! I jokingly tell my great nieces and nephews 'this is your spinster Aunt Jenny, you're going to have to take care of me when I'm older.' But I don't seriously think that way, I joke about it."

Jenny, who has never been married, feels there is no longer such a stigma associated with being single as there was when she was in her 20's. "I think because it's more prevalent these days. In the mid-60's and early-70's, if you didn't get married right out of high school or college, people looked at you as if there was something wrong with you." Today, she feels things have changed.

Although Jenny does not actively pursue finding a mate, she is open to the possibility should it ever come her way. "My aunt was 39 when she married; they were married for 25 years before she passed away. Who knows, maybe next year at this time I will be married. I may find somebody else who likes their independence but still wants somebody special to settle down with or come home to." She laughs again, "I just haven't found anybody that I'd want to put up with for the rest of my life!"

Brook, who is divorced, has lost interest in dating altogether. "I was married for 10 years. I dated a lot of jerks. I'm no longer interested in dating because I had so many bad experiences. I'm not out there seeking."

Both Jenny and Brook have raised children by themselves, and they share their different experiences. Jenny says (half-sarcastically), "I'm one of those scarlet women who had a child out of wedlock. I wasn't the first and I'm sure I won't be the last!" Back in 1968, she states, that was much more unacceptable than it is today.

"My parents helped me so much with my daughter. It's very difficult to raise a child by a single parent without lots of help—either from friends or family. I'm a person who doesn't believe in welfare."

For Brook, single parenting presented more challenges. "Single parenting was hard for me because my ex had nothing to do with our son, so I tried to make up for it by fulfilling all the different roles. I tried to do all that a mother and a father would have. I did a lot."

Both agree that women's liberation has affected the dating scene today. "Women are much stronger," says Brook, comparing it to when she was in her 20's and "women just followed along." It's changed now that women have good jobs, make good money, and own beautiful homes.

"Women are finally starting to make inroads in the workplace, going through glass ceiling," says Jenny. "It's still not equal, but it's getting closer. In dating, if they want to have a date with a guy they will ask him, they don't wait around for him to ask her. [When we were] in high school, we waited for the guy to call us; we didn't pick up the phone to call him."

Nevertheless, Brook feels today's young people live in a society that seems less conducive to relationships. "A lot of it is because they've seen so much divorce."

Jenny agrees. "People just will get married, and if they don't like it in a month or two, they don't want to work at it. They see partner as something disposable. I don't think there's really any faith in human nature anymore; everything is disposable." She shares a story of a couple in her hometown who had lived together for some time, then had an elaborate, expensive wedding—only to get divorced two months later. "At least try for a year; but two months? That's not even enough time to break in the dishes or wash the silverware three times!"

She feels this is a result of the poor examples young people have as well as the lack of permanence in today's society. "Younger people are not seeing their parents stay together. There are no morals; no one is accountable for their actions. How many people do you know that have celebrated even 40 years of marriage? There're no good examples for kids."

Jenny also expresses concern for young people dating today. "With all the things we're finding out about second hand smoke and AIDS...I feel sorry for them. When I was that age we just had a lot more fun. No worries. The young adults have so much to worry about especially with Driving While Intoxicated (DWI) laws. You have to be so careful of anything you do—even if you go to a bar and have two drinks. For me it'd be so difficult with all that hanging over my head, I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself."

There are other factors, such as the boom in technology, that have affected the dating culture.

"Now people are into online dating," says Brook. "Online is more impersonal than, for example, personal ads. You tend to drag relationships out for months, just telling the other person what they want to hear."

Jenny agrees, feeling that people are relying on electronic communication too much instead of making the personal contact. Regarding e-mail, "I'd prefer to hear somebody's voice or see them rather than receive e-mails from them all the time. It's just become too impersonal."

Hollywood has also added a new level of complexity. "Hollywood made everyone want to be so beautiful," observes Jenny. "You hear more about bulimia, anorexia, cosmetic surgery..." She says eating disorders were never an issue when she was growing up. "People were happy with the way they looked, what they did. You didn't have to be a beautiful person [physically] to be a beautiful person; people took the time to see you for who you were on the inside, not just who you were on the outside."

When asked if she feels there any disadvantages to being single, Jenny says "I sometimes wish I had somebody to go home to and share my day with; cry on somebody's shoulder if I needed it, or have somebody be happy for me if something special happens. For example, I won $1,000 on April 1, which I shared with my parents and family, but having somebody special to share events like that with would be nice."

About the dating scene for their age group, Jenny says "I don't know where people my age go. Maybe you have to go to your church and join the singles club. I haven't had time or had the inclination to go look. I go out to dinner with my girlfriends. Overall, I like my life. I can come and go as please, I don't have to be accountable to anyone except for myself, and if I want to stay up all night, I can."

According to Brook, the only disadvantage to being single is "that I can't retire when I want to retire; I'd need another income." She also muses that had she married, she may have switched her career.

But the pros clearly outshine the cons. "I have so many friends that I do things with," says Brook. "I'm not really lonely for a man. I used to feel that you needed a man to travel, go out to dinner. I don't feel that way anymore."

Jenny considers her friend to be her primary support network, even before her family. "Especially Brook," she says. "We have been best friends for 52 years now."

When asked if she had any regrets to having stayed single, Jenny replied with a "definite, positive no!"

Both Jenny's daughter and Brook's son live in the same area, and the women have talked about buying their house halfway between where their kids live and the ocean. "We have 2 years; we're retiring when we're 62," says Jenny.

Jenny leaves us with something to think about: "Being single can be a very rewarding life. There're so many opportunities for you."