Single Parent Dating Cheat Sheet

In many ways, dating as a single parent is just like dating for anyone else. But in other ways—many other ways—it's completely different. To begin with, if you're a single parent you're probably also a working parent, and it's doubtful that you have the time or the energy to study up on "the scene" or "the rules." But before you turn your back on the dating world entirely, know this: You're not helping your children or yourself by ignoring your social life. So think of the following as a dating cheat sheet—things to think about when it comes to who you'll potentially date, your children, and your own needs.

What should I look for in a date?

For a parent, particularly if your kids are small, it's not so much, "Is this person right for me?" as it is, "Is this person right for us?" So before you start looking around, first ask yourself what kind of a relationship want. Are you needing a friend and casual companion, do you want an exciting romance, or is it time for something long-term? Being honest with yourself will help guide you toward someone who is thinking along the same lines.

Whatever your relationship goals, as a single parent, you probably want someone who

• Is willing to take things slowly and gradually, and wait at each step until you're ready to move forward
• Is open to getting to know the kids on your terms and according to your schedule, and is genuinely interested in finding out about their likes, dislikes, talents, and quirks
• Lets you be the parent and doesn't judge your routines or try to be the disciplinarian
• Is fun and playful with your children, yet treats them with respect; deals with each child in an age-appropriate way without being condescending or competitive
• Is considerate and treats you in a manner you'd like your children to model
• Takes your lead about waiting to show physical affection in front of the kids (Don't rush this!)
• Is able to hang in there and be patient if your children are jealous and try to interfere with the relationship
• Understands that you need to put the children first at times
• Doesn't have a problem with family rituals, like birthdays and holidays
• Is aware of how complicated a parent's life can be and can roll with the punches when the unexpected happens
• Wants to spend time both with you alone, and as the relationship develops, include the children

Do I need to worry about my children?

Sure! Your kids are your best friends, but when you start dating, they can easily become your worst nightmare. There are many ways a parent can prepare children for the changes that may be coming, and most of them involve keeping the communication lines open.

Follow these tips if you're ready to start looking for, or have already met, that special someone:

• Make sure your kids have dealt with their emotions surrounding your split-up, or the absence of the other parent. If there are issues that are unresolved, talk it out, and let your children know that their feelings are OK. Don't be afraid of turning to a counselor to help clear the air.
• Before going out on a date, find a steady babysitter or family member whom you trust and with whom your children feel comfortable.
• Set aside time for the kids, as well as time that's yours for dating, and try your best not to sacrifice one for the other.
• Allow yourself to really, really, really get to know the other person before you consider introducing them to the children.
• Have regular talks with your children about what's going on in your life and who's in it, if you're seeing someone they might meet. Answer questions, but set boundaries—you are entitled to your privacy.
• Always introduce anyone you're dating as a friend, nothing more.
• Make it clear to your kids that they should be polite and respectful to any of your new friends.
• Don't expect the kids to be as crazy about your new friend as you are. At first, it's more likely that they'll be angry, sad, shy, or just plain obnoxious, and they may want to sabotage the relationship. Acknowledge their feelings, and give everyone time to get to know each other.
• Do listen to your children if they have opinions about the person you are dating. Keep in mind that there might be an agenda, but often kids are very intuitive.
• Avoid overnight visits. If sexual intimacy is part of your relationship, keep sleepovers and your life with the kids entirely separate for as long as possible.

How can I take care of myself?

The biggest gift a single parent can give themselves as they reenter the dating world is time. Start dating again when you're ready, not when anyone else says you should be. Be careful of rushing into another relationship to help you heal from a broken one. Give yourself some slack as you get used to seeing yourself in a new light. Keep up your confidence and remember who you "used" to be, if you've been hiding behind parenthood. Stay open to new ways of meeting people: Check out divorce support groups and online dating sites, seriously network with your friends, and think about interesting people in your life you might not have previously considered dating.

Finally, keep the following tips in mind as you start to see other people:

• Don't feel guilty. If it makes you feel any better about your nights out, tell yourself that you're doing this as much for your children as yourself—it's true!
• Leave the kids at home. Of course your children are a significant part of your life, but don't let the conversation be all about them. Popular advice for the first date from other single parents: "Pretend that you're single."
• Don't rush introductions. After you have been seeing someone for a while, and when it feels right, introduce your friend to the kids in a way that keeps things light and easy—maybe a dinner or movie together. Hold off on extended family outings until the kids feel comfortable.
• Keep your ex out of it. Yes, children are bound to hear that you're dating and may want to talk about it, or even get involved. Remember that as long as your children are safe, your relationships outside of the home have nothing to do with the other parent.
• Get help if you think you need it, and even if you don't. Dating isn't an easy thing under any circumstances, and having children who themselves could still be traumatized by a divorce or other difficult circumstances may tip the scales. Talk to a friend—or better yet a trained counselor—about what you're feeling and what you're up against. Let someone else take some of the pressure off. Who knows? Maybe you'll find that then you can really relax and even have some fun.