Welcome to another episode of our wellness podcast. I'm Mark DeFee and with me, is KC Schroder. We're both licensed therapists who focus on workplace mental health.

We're also pretty good friends so we're gonna have a little bit of fun. Maybe tell some stories but most importantly, we're gonna give you some great information to help you develop both personally and professionally. Does that sound good? All right! Let's dive in!

So KC, on this episode we're going to be tackling one of the most serious topics that we've come across and that is sexual assault and domestic violence. And I know that I've had some experience in this arena of being a telephonic crisis clinician.

However, I know you have an extremely strong background working with victims of domestic violence so I I'm gonna ask you to do two things. One: can you provide us an overview of your work experience or your clinical experience and then also, the general question: what do you want people to know about this topic?

Sure, so I think first off I am in no way shape or form an expert on domestic violence so I definitely want to put that that statement out there . I did earlier on in my career spend a few years counseling women in a domestic violence shelter that was my full-time job.

This is a place where women came who were in the middle of a domestic violence situation and needed a safe place to stay. We typically saw women, you know, stay anywhere from a week to a month to two months. Sometimes just themselves, sometimes with their kids. And it was my job to make sure that they got the behavioral health or the mental health counseling in order to kind of start on their road to recovery.

And you know this was almost 20 years ago, Mark, which is hard to believe. But it was almost 20 years ago.

[laughs]

But you were like four. [laughs]

Exactly, thank you, thank you. I was the youngest counselor in the history of counseling.

[laughs]

But yeah [laughs] so, it was a couple of decades ago and I got to tell you like these women are still with me today. I've learned so much from them and their stories. I can still hear them in my head telling them, you know, telling me about themselves and what they have…What they had endured so, you know, as far as what I would like people to know about domestic violence. Maybe some just general stats to kind of start out with. Every nine seconds in the US a woman is assaulted or beaten.

One-fourth of women worldwide will experience domestic violence in their lifetime. One-fourth, 25% of women. That's worldwide.

Throughout our world, right?

Right, right. Crazy.

Yeah. It is.

It is and something that I think is really important to know that boys who witness domestic violence are twice as likely to abuse their own partners and their children when they become adults.

Yeah, that's something that I was surprised by and reiterates that this this can be a generational thing it could be, you know, in families for quite some time. Because of that very thing witnessing it makes people more prone to abusive behavior.

And you know, as we know domestic violence is about control, it's about being able to control the other person and so, if you see that and you feel out of control in your life because a parent is being abused, and you are trying to find some control that could be the behavior, you turn to obviously it's not the one we want people to. But when you stop and think about it makes sense that that's the behavior being displayed to them. That's how one of their parents is maintaining control.

If they're feeling out of control they might try the same thing, so I think that's an incredibly important statistic to pay attention to.

Sure I mean, when anybody when there's violence like that in your lifetime and control and like as a child if you see that it really cuts to your basic human right of safety, right? So these children grow up searching for that control, right? So and I think that's part of that cycle, of that that cycle of domestic violence.

And the generational inheritance if you want.

Yeah and I have a number of questions for you but let me start here. So often we talk about if someone's in a domestic violence situation: what should they do? How do they keep themselves safe? But you know, if we think someone is in a relationship where abuse could be occurring and we want to intervene before something major happens, what should we be paying attention to?

My whole thought process is here. Are there preventative steps that people looking at someone can take once they notice of what might be occurring? Does that make sense?

Yeah, no I think It's a great question. It makes complete sense, right? Because I think, you know, we talk about the warning signs if you have a loved one you think is being abused, you know. Are they wearing long sleeve clothes? Are they cancelling plans at the last minute?

Things like that. But we don't talk about leading up to the violence, you know. Is there anything that you can say to somebody that you think might be going down that path of a very unhealthy relationship that might lead to domestic violence?

And honestly kind of going back to that control piece. I think some of the warning signs has to be have to be looking for that control to somebody.

This person that you're concerned about. Does their partner not allow them to go out without them? Have they talked to you about their partner checking their e-mails?

Do you do you hear them have to ask permission of their partner to do things that nobody should ask permission for?

Does that make sense?

It does. Yeah, it does and if you do notice that. If those behaviors you know, you see kind of a cluster of them, what do you do at that point?

Well I think, first and foremost just like anything, when you approach somebody, who you think is in trouble, approach them with an open mind.

Be non-judgmental, ask them honest questions about what's going on in their life and believe them. Listen to them and if you feel like they are telling you some very concerning…patterns or concerning information, then help that person with whatever they need.

Maybe they do need to be connected to a counselor but maybe they need a job to get out of the relationship, you know. Maybe you can help them, you know, connect to a different situation in life to help them financially or something along that line.

Your answer to their problems might not be their answer, so just kind of be open.

You think you know what's going to help them best but without really engaging them you don't know for sure. And you know the one thing I think I would add to that is when you do engage I'm starting from a place of I'm concerned about you. Relaying your own feelings because when I worked as a telephonic crisis clinician I would hear those stories of "my friend brought this up because they just don't like my boyfriend" and so they're saying these things and it's one of those: "No, I think they're saying that because they're concerned about you."

But it wasn't taken that way because the person at the beginning didn't stop to acknowledge why they're doing this. I'm doing this because I love you.

And I'm concerned and I want to make sure that you know you have people here that you can turn to. Even if it's for the practical things, like finding a new job.

So the last piece here is the pandemic has impacted everything. It's also impacted domestic violence. In just a brief 30 seconds or so tell us a little bit about what's happening.

Research is showing that domestic violence is on the rise and it has been since January 2019. It's definitely not just a US rise, either. Case occurrence in the US rising it's cases across the world.

And again when you think about living in a time where a lot of things are out of people's control. People who already have control issues might find a way to start acting out a little bit more frequently.

That's a really good point of how the pandemic has taken away our control over our world and if this is someone's behavior or predisposition to be violent.

The feeling of our world being out of control is only going to enhance that. So, that makes sense. And I appreciate your time today I always love speaking with you but when you can shed light on such an important topic, all the better. So, we appreciate everybody listening.

Until we speak again take care and be well.