Jealousy in Romantic Relationships

Jealousy has been a favorite dramatic topic of authors for centuries. Everyone is subject to an occasional case of the green-eyed monster. Regular feelings or expressions of jealousy, however, can be problematic. Whether you are dealing with your own jealousy or with that of your partner, it can put unneeded strain on any relationship; even contributing to its ultimate failure. There's no need to let jealousy create drama of epic proportions in your love life.

Effects of Jealousy

Even seemingly harmless demonstrations of jealousy can have negative effects and damage an otherwise solid relationship. For instance, if one partner makes unfounded accusations or voices frequent, unrealistic, suspicions, this will only hurt and push away the accused partner. Unneeded pressure can eventually sour any relationship.

Causes of Jealousy

Jealousy is often caused by insecurity or a low self-esteem. A chronically jealous person may feel that he or she doesn't deserve to be happy. They may have a hard time trusting others to love and respect them for who they are.

Simply being aware of one's feeling of insecurity is the first step in overcoming it. A person might want to try and put effort into working through it on their own, or they may want to consider discussing their feelings with a mental health professional.

Jealousy can also arise in someone who was hurt badly in a previous relationship. They may have found out their partner was cheating on them, or were betrayed in some other way. This can make it difficult to trust again.

It is important for that person to remember that their current partner is not responsible for mistakes a past partner has made. As difficult as it is, trying to give a new partner a fresh start without blaming them for an ex's mistakes will contribute greatly to the success of the current relationship. Again, those who find that an inability to let go of past experiences is impacting their current relationship, may want to consider reaching out to a mental health professional.

In some cases, feelings of jealousy may be justified. If one partner is unfaithful or disrespectful of the relationship in some other way, jealousy is an understandable but ineffective response. Everyone deserves to be with someone who makes them feel loved and respected. If this isn't true of your relationship, it may be time to seek counseling or make a change. No relationship can be successful if it is not built on trust.

Evaluate your reasoning.

Do you suspect that you are overly jealous? If so, it is helpful to take some quiet time to reflect on what might be causing these feelings. Once you have identified the cause, you can take steps to overcome it.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

• Do you have trust issues from a past relationship?
• Are you projecting? (Are you tempted to be unfaithful and projecting this onto your partner?)
• Check your boundaries: When does harmless flirting become more? Are you being unfair?
• Do you provoke or look for reasons to distrust your partner? Why do you do this?
• Do you have proof or strong suspicion that makes it justified, or is it illogical?
• Are you afraid of being hurt, or trying to prevent being hurt by acting this way?
• Are you using jealousy to get attention? Why?
• Is there something going on that is making you feel left out or excluded?
• Are you insecure in your nonromantic relationships as well? What are the common factors?

Understanding the problems underlying your jealousy can help you set a reasonable course of personal growth. When you are coming from a greater place of personal understanding and strength, it will result in healthier and happier relationships with others.

Dealing With a Jealous Partner

If your partner is jealous for reasons you cannot understand, try talking about it when you are both relaxed and in a positive frame of mind. Try to work through the issues together. If these conversations become a constant theme or turn into arguments, it might be time to seek outside help. Your company's Employee Assistance Program can help you find a qualified professional and may offer other resources as well.

If your partner's jealousy is crossing the line, have a serious talk with him or her and let them know how much their jealousy is hurting you and your relationship. If it's necessary, tell them you cannot be with them unless they do something to change it. Be clear about your terms and be prepared follow them.

Abuse is not part of a healthy relationship. A relationship is an equal partnership, not one where a partner is fearful or feels controlled. A violent or controlling partner may claim that jealousy is the cause of their physical or emotional abuse. Do not waste your time considering this justification: There is no valid reason for abuse. Standard advice is to get out of an abusive relationship as soon as possible. If you are uncertain how to do so safely, talk to your local law enforcement agency, a mental health professional, a counselor at your Employee Assistance Program, or one of the many organizations that help people avoid and remove themselves from abusive situations. As always, if you feel that you are in immediate danger, dial 911! There are some some additional resources to consult for help listed at the end of this article.

Defeating Jealousy

Since the foundation of jealousy often has deep psychological roots, it is important to dig down to the real cause and address that first. Remember these points:

• If your partner gives you no actual reason to be jealous, try to discover the source of your jealous feelings and work toward feeling more confident in yourself.
• If your partner is the jealous one, reassure him or her gently and consistently, and encourage them to try and find out what is causing his/her jealousy.
• If you are with someone who you feel does not treat you with love and respect, or you do not feel that you can trust him or her, you should evaluate whether or not you want to be with this person.
• If you are in an abusive situation, as either the abuser or the victim, seek help immediately.

Dating Violence Resources

National Dating Violence Hotlines and Resources

• National Domestic Violence Hotline (Link opens in a new windowhttps://www.thehotline.org/): 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE); TTY 1-800-787-3224
• National Sexual Assault Hotline (Link opens in a new windowhttps://rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-telephone-hotline): 1-800-656-4673 (HOPE)
• National Coalition Against Domestic Violence(Link opens in a new windowhttp://www.ncadv.org/)

Youth Crisis and Teen Dating Violence

• National Teen Dating Violence Hotline (Link opens in a new windowhttps://www.loveisrespect.org/): 1-866-331-9474; or text "loveis" to 77054.
• National Hopeline Network is available 24 hours a day at 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433). This organization provides suicide, crisis, and domestic violence service referrals for teens. Callers are automatically routed to the closest certified crisis center.
• National Runaway Safeline (Link opens in a new windowhttps://www.1800runaway.org/) is available 24 hours a day and their website offers an online chat feature. This is a confidential hotline for runaway youth, teens in crisis, and concerned friends and family members.

Hotlines and Resources for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender (LGBT) People

The LGBT National Help Center (Link opens in a new windowhttp://www.glnh.org) offers free peer support and information about local resources through their many programs including

• The LGBT National Youth Talkline at 1-800-246-7743 (PRIDE) is for youths through age 25.
• The LGBT National Hotline at 1-888-843-4564 supports people of all ages.
• The LGBT National Senior Hotline at 1-888-234-7243 (SAGE) provides support tailored to senior callers.

CenterLink LGBT Community Centers Member Directory (Link opens in a new windowhttps://www.lgbtcenters.org/LgbtCenters) helps you find community centers by state, including services offered, who to contact, and Web pages, if available. Most offer nonviolence or domestic violence services.