Closeness in a Couple Relationship
It is well known that babies need affection and intimacy to be able to thrive. This need for physical and emotional closeness continues into adulthood and is necessary for individuals, as well as for relationships, to thrive. For adults, these needs are often not met. This can lead to mental health concerns such as chronic anger and depression.
In order to foster intimacy in relationships, partners benefit from looking inside themselves to better understand what their individual needs and expectations are in the relationship. How do you show and expect to be shown affection? Next, it is important to communicate these needs to each other in an open, nonjudgmental, and compassionate way, while being open to listening empathetically to what your partner needs from you.
Over time, without putting effort into it, you may find the closeness you feel with your partner waning as the honeymoon period of the relationship ends. There are many ways, large and small, that couples can use to work toward building and maintaining closeness in their relationship.
Three General Types of Closeness or Intimacy
| Physical | Small acts of physical affection can have a big impact. Try such things as hugging, kissing, caressing, cuddling, holding, and other ways of showing physical affection. |
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| Emotional | "[This is] the ability to effectively express and validate tender, loving emotions, in a manner that's nourishing and constructive, and being able to respond affirmatively when the other person does the same. For example: 'How are you doing?' 'How are you feeling?' 'I love you,' 'I appreciate you,' 'I like it when we talk like this,' 'I'm glad we're spending this time together,' 'You're very important in my life,' 'I'm sorry'" (Ni, 2012). |
| Intellectual | This means feeling connected and intellectually stimulated and challenged by your partner:
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Closeness-Building Exercises to Try
Remember the past.
Take time to remember moments in your past when you felt close to each other. You can do this together or each come up with your own memories separately and then share with each other. Examples could be
- When you first knew you loved the other person (What was it about your partner that you loved?)
- A funny moment from a first date (You can visit a place from your past or eat a meal that brings back memories.)
Do something special.
Try being open to doing something with your partner that they love, to learn about your partner's interests and to learn more about them. Talk about your experience and ask questions about what your partner loves about it.
Be open and honest with each other.
Designate time during your day to "check in" with each other and share honest moments about your day, your relationship, or your feelings. Making a habit of this as a priority can help bring you together after or before a day of being on your own.
Express interest in each other without looking for common ground.
It's OK to have differences. Align your values (the important pieces in your life) and celebrate the differences. Your partner may be interested in watching football. You may find it less than scintillating, but you can take the opportunity to learn about each other and the sport or even just take advantage of time to snuggle on the couch together.
Remember why you like your partner.
Try to recreate the feeling you've had in the past when you fell for your partner. You can share this with your partner or think about it. "Keep him/her in your mind in a positive way" (Freund, 2014).
References
Becker-Phelps, L. (2014, November 10). Want better relationships? Learn to be more empathic: Learn to enhance your empathy and your relationships in three steps. Psychology Today [Blog]. Retrieved May 24, 2024, from https://www.psychologytoday.com
Freund, C. (2014). Get intimate: 5 couples exercises that will bring you closer. Retrieved May 24, 2024, from https://www.yourtango.com
Gordon, L. (1969, December 31; Reviewed 2004, August 30). Intimacy: The art of relationships—How relationships are sabotaged by hidden expectations. Psychology Today [Electronic version]. Retrieved May 24, 2024, from https://www.psychologytoday.com
Ni, P. (2012). How to enhance closeness in your relationship. Psychology Today [Blog]. Retrieved May 24, 2024, from https://www.psychologytoday.com
Dolan, E. (2015; Reviewed 2024 [Ed.]). Closeness in a couple relationship (B. Schuette, Ed.). Raleigh, NC: Workplace Options.