Grieving the Death of an LGBTQ+ Partner

Grief over the loss of a loved one is a painful experience, one that takes time and follows unpredictable emotional paths. The kindness and help of a supportive community can help the person who is grieving, as can the rituals of remembrance and mourning.

For people who have lost a lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or queer partner, some of this support may be lacking, and some of the rituals of remembrance may not be comforting, leading to feelings of marginalization and isolation.

Every person who is grieving the loss of a loved one deserves to have their feelings validated, their love for the deceased person recognized, their needs supported, and their true selves accepted.

Challenges Faced by People Grieving the Loss of an LGBTQ+ Partner

Grieving the loss of an LGBTQ+ partner can be made more difficult by a number of factors, including these:

• Lack of recognition—Some LGBTQ+ relationships aren't recognized or accepted by families of origin, adult children, friends from childhood, or coworkers. This can result in the exclusion of the grieving partner from funeral or memorial plans and from mourning gatherings. It can lead to overlooking the grieving partner's need for support and consolation. In a time of intense emotional need, the grieving partner can be left feeling isolated and invisible, rejected by the people who should be primary sources of compassion and help. This lack of recognition for a person in mourning is known as disenfranchised grief. If not countered by other sources of support and alternative memorial observances, it can make the grieving process more difficult and have a long-term impact on the mourner's mental health.
• Estrangement from family of origin—Some LGBTQ+ people are estranged from their birth families or families of origin, cutting off what might otherwise be a source of emotional support and comfort in grief. When not completely estranged from their families of origin, the relationships may be fragile or strained, not close enough to provide unconditional love and the kind of care and attention a person who has lost a loved one needs.
• Support services that aren't geared to LGBTQ+ mourners—A bereavement group for people who have lost a spouse may not feel helpful to a person who has lost an LGBTQ+ partner, even if the group tries to be welcoming and supportive. The issues faced by a widowed member of a heterosexual couple may be different than those faced by a grieving member of a same-sex couple. Supports offered by LGBTQ+ groups are often geared toward younger members and may not include grief counseling or support groups. Also, not all grief counselors have the training, experience, and understanding to provide helpful support to LGBTQ+ grievers.
• Reluctance to seek help—A bereaved LGBTQ+ partner who is not "out" about their sexual orientation or gender identity may be reluctant to admit the emotional depth of their loss to people who might be supportive. A person who has had unhelpful experiences in the past when seeking emotional support from friends or professional counselors, due to a lack of understanding or to conscious or unconscious bias, may also be reluctant to seek help.
• Poor end-of-life care—LGBTQ+ people may experience discrimination and substandard care as death approaches. The surviving partner may be excluded from medical and care decisions and may be made to feel unwelcome by hospital, nursing home, or hospice staff.
• Trauma from past losses—When a person has suffered a painful loss in the past, a new loss can revive buried emotions. This might happen with older LGBTQ+ people who lived through the HIV/AIDS pandemic, or with people of any age who have lost loved ones to suicide or violence.

Coping with the Death of an LGBTQ+ Partner

If you are grieving the death of an LGBTQ+ partner and face any of the challenges listed above, you may need to make an extra effort to find consolation and support. Your love for your partner was, and remains, real. Your grief is real. You deserve care and attention at this difficult time, and your partner deserves to be remembered and honored in ways that respect their true self and the depth of your relationship:

• Allow yourself to grieve. Don't fight or suppress painful emotions. If it helps to cry, let yourself cry. Pay attention to your emotions, and accept them as genuine reactions to your loss. There are no "good" or "bad" emotions and no "right" or "wrong" ways to grieve. Accept painful emotions as testaments to your love for your partner.
• Push back against feelings of isolation and invisibility. That might involve pushing yourself to find and accept meaningful emotional support. It might mean pushing the people you love to recognize and respect your grief if you think that might lead them to be more supportive.
• Seek support from understanding friends and family members. Think of the people who know and care about you who recognized and embraced your relationship with your partner. Turn to those people now for consolation and support in your grief. Ask for what you need, whether that's spending time with you or helping with shopping or household tasks, and don't be reluctant to accept their help and support.
• Be kind to yourself. Make a special effort to take good care of yourself:
  • Eat regular meals with healthy food. If that's difficult at first, try small snacks.
  • Drink plenty of water, perhaps in the form of comforting drinks like herbal tea.
  • Try to keep to a regular sleep schedule.
  • Engage in activities you enjoy.
  • Get outdoors for walks or another form of physical activity.
  • Practice stress-reduction techniques, such as deep breathing, when you feel tense or anxious.
• Find ways to remember and honor your partner. Rituals are very important in the grieving process. If you are not included in the funeral plans made by your partner's family of origin or feel that the ceremony they are planning does not fully honor your partner's memory, consider arranging a separate service or commemoration. Many LGBTQ+ people have a "chosen family" in addition to their family of origin. Invite people from this circle to a memorial that honors the partner you knew. There are other ways, too, to remember and honor your partner. You might write them a letter, plant a tree in their memory, make a contribution in their name, or arrange to have a bench inscribed with their name in a favorite park. Find a way to say goodbye that has a meaning for you and feels true to your partner's memory.
• Find an understanding counselor or support group. If you feel that you'd benefit from the help of a professional counselor or support from other people who are experiencing grief, look for a counselor or support group that will understand you and the relationship you have lost. When selecting a counselor or support group, explain your relationship with the partner you've lost and your needs as you are grieving. Look for unquestioning acceptance of your LGBTQ+ identity.