Friendships and Social Connections (Part 2): Making and Maintaining

What makes a supportive relationship?

Not all relationships are supportive, and not all friendships are healthy. You may have experienced relationships at work or in your family that made you feel worse, not better, and added to your stress rather than reduced it. The benefits of social connection and friendship come from supportive relationships, ones in which you share thoughts and feelings openly and give and receive help when needed.

When it comes to friendships, quality is far more important than quantity. In a way, it's the opposite of the drive to build large numbers of likes, followers, and retweets on social media. One or two good friends are far more valuable than a hundred shallow relationships. A strong, supportive friendship can also work as an antidote to unhealthy relationships in your family or at work—relationships assigned to you, not chosen—that might otherwise undermine your confidence and wellbeing.

Here are some signs of a supportive relationship and a good friendship:

• You feel good about yourself when you are with the other person.
• You enjoy spending time together.
• You listen to each other.
• You feel safe talking with each other about how you feel.
• You can have meaningful conversations.
• You feel valued by the other person, and they feel valued by you.
• You trust each other.
• You can be open and vulnerable with each other.
• You encourage and support each other.
• You want the best for each other.
• You give and accept help when needed.

It's OK to let go of friendships and relationships that are no longer supportive—or that you realize may never have been. These might include relationships that tempt you to engage in unhealthy behaviors, that tend to settle into negativity and complaining, or that are one-sided and drain your energy.

That's not to say you should abandon a good friend in a time of intense need—quite the opposite. It's that you should think hard about whether the relationship is reciprocal—that you both listen and share, as well as give and receive support as needed.

What about online relationships?

Social media can be a valuable tool in re-establishing connections with old friends and identifying people with shared interests and values. However, connections and friendships sustained only online aren't likely to provide the meaningful support that's the great value of true friendship. For that, you need time together and conversation. That doesn't have to be in person; it can happen by phone or video chat. If you're a comfortable writer, it can be in emails or letters. The key is that the conversations include the mutual sharing of feelings and confidences, not just highlights of your life that you might share with a large group in a social media post.

How to Make New Friends

Friendships usually require time and repeated exposure to take hold. A person you meet once or twice might seem likable, but not have that extra connection you look for in a friend. Spend a semester in class with that person or work with them for a year, and a lasting friendship might develop. That's why friends tend to be from particular stages in your life: people you went to school with, worked with, served with, lived with, attended religious services with, or who had children when you did.

The challenge is to make new friends throughout your life as old friends drop away—when you move to a new community, change jobs, or end a marriage or romantic relationship. You might also lose friends as your values and interests change or, as you age, to death.

To make new friends, build on the powers of shared values and interests. Be brave in striking up conversations with new people, and be patient in allowing the effect of repeated exposure to work its magic.

Here are some ways to open yourself to new friendships:

• Join an organization or club related to a personal interest.
• Volunteer.
• Take a course.
• Accept social invitations.
• Invite people you meet for the first time to meet again—for coffee, a walk, or a meal.
• Reconnect with people from your past that you've lost touch with.
• Spend time where other people gather—become a regular at your local coffee shop or restaurant.
• Walk your dog in the same park every day.
• Reach out to people you know, and ask them to introduce you to people you might like.
• Explore your community, and meet your neighbors.

As you spend time with people who might become your friends, you'll probably find that it's natural to evolve in your conversations from light topics—like food, movies, and sports—to more meaningful topics that involve feelings. It's as that happens, and as you begin to offer help and support to each other, that friendships develop.

How to Maintain Friendships

Friendships don't simply maintain themselves. To cultivate a lasting and supportive friendship, you need to be a good friend yourself:

• Keep in touch. Return phone calls and emails. Respond promptly to invitations to spend time together. Don't let too much time pass without calling or sending a message.
• Show that you care. Ask how your friend is doing. Make it clear that you really want to know, that you're not just asking as a formality. Respond in a caring way if your friend shares problems or difficult feelings.
• Listen. Pay attention to your conversations to make sure you're not dominating with your talk. Listen at least as much as you talk, and respond in ways that show you're paying close attention. Ask questions to clarify and encourage your friend to say more.
• Be kind. Keep this fundamental tenet in mind in all of your interactions—with your friends and with others. Your demonstrations of kindness will lead to kindness and generosity in return.
• Be open. As you establish a friendship, open up by sharing your feelings, concerns, and personal joys. Ask questions to draw out a similar level of openness in your friend.
• Be trustworthy. Keep your promises. If you offer to help with something, follow through. If you agree to meet somewhere, be there. If your friend shares confidential information with you, keep it to yourself.
• Be encouraging. Show that you're happy for your friend when good things happen. Don't let jealousy or competition get in the way of your good feelings for each other.
• Express your appreciation. Thank your friend for any acts of help or kindness. Let them know how much you value them.
• Talk through disagreements. Good relationships inevitably involve disagreements. These can challenge your thinking in good ways. Talk them through without allowing differences of opinion and viewpoint to turn into negative thoughts about your friend as a person.
• Don't push too hard. Gauge the temperature of the friendship to understand what's a comfortable level of contact. In some friendships, that might be a daily check-in. In others, a conversation every couple of weeks or every month will feel more appropriate. Do your best to sense how much contact your friend appreciates and how much is too much.

It takes some effort to make and maintain friendships, but the payoff makes it more than worth it. Friendships and supportive social connections can boost your happiness, health, and emotional resilience.