How to Help a Friend Who Is Being Abused

Whether you suspect that a friend or family member is being abused or you witnessed someone being abused, you can take steps to help.

What are signs that someone may be abused?

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, some warning signs include the following:¹

• Their partner insults them in front of other people.
• They are constantly worried about making their partner angry.
• They make excuses for their partner's behavior.
• Their partner is extremely jealous or possessive.
• They have unexplained marks or injuries.
• They've stopped spending time with friends and family.
• They are depressed or anxious, or you notice changes in their personality.

If you think your friend or family member is being abused, be supportive by listening to them and asking questions about how they're doing. The person being abused may not be ready or able to leave the relationship right now.

How can I help someone who is being abused?

Knowing or thinking that someone you care about is in a violent relationship can be very hard. You may fear for their safety—and maybe for good reason. You may want to rescue them or insist they leave, but every adult must make their own decisions.

Each situation is different, and the people involved are all different too. Here are some ways to help a loved one who is being abused:

• Set up a time to talk. Try to make sure you have privacy and won't be distracted or interrupted. Visit your loved one in person if possible.
• Let them know you're concerned about their safety. Be honest. Tell the person about times when you were worried about them. Help the individual see that abuse is wrong. They may not respond right away, or they may even get defensive or deny the abuse. Let your loved one know you want to help and will be there to support them in whatever decision they make.
• Be supportive. Listen to your loved one. Keep in mind that it may be very hard for them to talk about the abuse. Tell the person that they are not alone and that people want to help. If the person wants help, ask them what you can do.
• Offer specific help. You might say you are willing to just listen, to help with child care, or to provide transportation, for example.
• Don't place shame, blame, or guilt on your loved one. Don't say, "You just need to leave." Instead, say something like, "I get scared thinking about what might happen to you." Tell them you understand that their situation is very difficult.
• Help the person make a safety plan. Safety planning might include packing important items and helping them find a "safe" word. This is a code word your loved one can use to let you know they are in danger without an abuser knowing. It might also include agreeing on a place to meet if they have to leave in a hurry.
• Encourage them to talk to someone who can help. Offer to help find a local domestic violence agency. Offer to go with your loved one to the agency, the police, or court. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (Link opens in a new windowhttps://www.thehotline.org), 800-799-SAFE (800-799-7233); the National Sexual Assault Hotline (Link opens in a new windowhttps://www.rainn.org), 800-656-HOPE (800-656-4673); and the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline (NTDAH), Love Is Respect (Link opens in a new windowhttps://www.loveisrespect.org), 866-331-9474, are all available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. They can offer advice based on experience and can help find local support and services.
• If your loved decides to stay, continue to be supportive. They may decide to stay in the relationship, or they may leave and then go back many times. It may be hard for you to understand, but people stay in abusive relationships for many reasons. Be supportive, no matter what they decide to do.
• Encourage them to do things outside of the relationship. It's important for the person to see friends and family.
• If your loved one decides to leave, continue to offer help. Even though the relationship was abusive, the person who left may feel sad and lonely once it is over. They may also need help getting services from agencies or community groups.
• Let them know that you will always be there no matter what. It can be very frustrating to see a friend or loved one stay in an abusive relationship. However, if you end your relationship, they have one less safe place to go in the future. You cannot force a person to leave a relationship, but you can let them know you'll help, whatever they decide to do.

How do I report domestic violence or abuse?

If you see or hear domestic violence or child abuse in your neighborhood or in a public place, call 911. Don't worry about whether the couple or person will be angry with you for calling. It could be a matter of life and death, and it's better to be safe than sorry. You don't have to give your name if you are afraid for your own safety.

If you want to report abuse but there is no immediate danger, ask local police or child/adult protective services to make a welfare check. This surprise check-in by local authorities may help the person being abused.

For More Information

"How to Support a Loved One," Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN)
Link opens in a new windowhttps://www.rainn.org/TALK

"Support a Friend or Roommate," Love Is Respect
Link opens in a new windowhttps://www.loveisrespect.org/supporting-others-dating-abuse/support-a-friend-or-roommate-abuse

"Support Others," National Domestic Violence Hotline
Link opens in a new windowhttps://www.thehotline.org/support-others

"Supporting Someone Who Keeps Returning to an Abusive Relationship," National Domestic Violence Hotline
Link opens in a new windowhttps://www.thehotline.org/resources/supporting-someone-who-keeps-returning-to-an-abusive-relationship

"Warning Signs," RAINN
Link opens in a new windowhttps://www.rainn.org/warning-signs