Setting Boundaries for Healthy Relationships

Boundaries are the limits that separate you from other people and protect your personal and mental space. Boundaries are key to maintaining healthy and respectful relationships.

Healthy and Unhealthy Boundaries in Relationships

People with healthy boundaries are able to communicate their wants and needs so that they are heard, understood, and respected. They also respect the wants and needs of others.

If you have healthy boundaries, you

• Can say "no" to a request that makes you uncomfortable
• Respect and accept "no" as a response from someone else
• Clearly and respectfully communicate your wants and needs
• Respect the values, beliefs, and opinions of other people, even when they are different from your own
• Feel comfortable sharing information about yourself when appropriate and in appropriate ways
• Can be flexible and collaborative, but not to the point where you compromise your values and beliefs

If you have unhealthy boundaries, you

• Can have difficulty saying "no" to a request, even one that makes you uncomfortable
• Have trouble accepting "no" as a response from someone else
• Are unable to communicate your wants and needs
• Coerce or manipulate others to act in ways that go against their values and beliefs or make them uncomfortable
• Share information about yourself in inappropriate ways
• Can be overly accommodating, to the point where you compromise your values and beliefs

Boundaries in relationships can be set (or violated) in a range of ways, including

• Emotional—the validity and privacy of your feelings and emotions
• Physical—your sense of personal space, your control of your body
• Sexual—your choices around sexual activity, partners, and the timing of sexual relations
• Intellectual—your beliefs, opinions, ideas, and thoughts
• Financial—your control over your possessions and financial resources
• Time—how you choose to spend your time

Unhealthy boundaries in a relationship can lead to abuse. Abuse is a significant or repeated violation of boundaries, whether intentional or not, and when someone causes you harm or distress. It can take many forms, ranging from disrespect to causing actual physical, mental, or emotional pain. If you are experiencing abuse, seek help from a trusted friend, professional counselor, or support service.

A significant or repeated violation of personal boundaries at work can be experienced as harassment. If harassment becomes an issue for you at work, talk with your manager or a human resources representative, along with a consultant from your employee wellbeing service to support your needs.

How to Set and Maintain Healthy Boundaries in Relationships

• Give yourself permission. You have a right to set boundaries for your own wellbeing.
• Identify your needs and limits. Pay attention to your emotions. If a relationship or activity drains your energy and makes you unhappy, it's likely you've allowed yourself to be pushed beyond an important personal boundary. What feels OK and what doesn't in your relationships? When do you agree to do something simply to avoid conflict?
• Assert yourself. If it's hard for you to say "no" to people, it may be because you fear conflict, want too much to be liked or praised, or have fallen into a habit of putting other's people's needs before your own. Watch for these patterns of behavior and learn to assert yourself.
• Start small. It can be hard to break old habits and to change other people's expectations of you. Try setting boundaries in small ways with a trusted friend or family member and see how it can improve your relationship.

How to Communicate Your Boundaries

• Be clear and direct when you explain to someone that you're not able to do what they're asking.
• Be calm and respectful. Set the tone for your conversation by being calm, kind, and respectful. Your calm and confident manner will help the person you're speaking with hear what you're saying and respond with equal respect. Do your best to stay calm even if the other person reacts more emotionally. If the conversation becomes so emotional that it's not productive, agree to take a break and talk again later when you can both hear each other and have a rational discussion.
• Pick a time for your conversation when you can both be calm and won't be distracted or feel rushed. Right after a heated argument is not a good time to discuss boundaries.
• Pay attention to your words. How you say things makes a difference. Use "I" statements rather than "you" statements: "When _____ happens, I feel ____" instead of "You do ____" or (even worse) "You always _____."
• Keep it simple. Think ahead of time about your most important need and the one boundary that, if established and respected, could protect or support that need. Don't try to address everything that's bothering you in a single conversation.
• Rehearse ahead of time. If you're intimidated by the prospect of being more assertive about your boundaries, practice how you'll explain your needs in clear, calm, and respectful ways. You might do this in front of a mirror or with a trusted friend or family member.

Maintain your boundaries.

• Be firm and stay strong in maintaining your boundaries. Remind yourself of the reasons you've decided on them—the feelings of resentment or sense of disrespect you've had in the past, or the awareness that you're not being true to yourself. If you back down or are inconsistent, you invite people to ignore your needs.
• Be realistic and adaptable. While you need to be firm about important boundaries, be open to adjusting them if they prove to be too rigid. Remember that a key goal of boundaries is mutual respect—to have others respect your needs while you respect theirs. Don't set boundaries that are so protective of your needs that they get in the way of mutually supportive friendship.

Seek help.

If you're struggling to set and maintain healthy boundaries in your relationships or a particular relationship, reach out for help. A counselor can help you clarify your most important needs, understand what boundaries might help you protect those needs, and coach you on how to explain your boundaries to others.

Reviewed by Andrew Maher, Director of Clinical Service Delivery (Europe) at Workplace Options
Accreditations: National Association for Professional Counselling and Psychotherapy (NAPCP), Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (IACP), British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP)