Overcoming Loneliness as an Adult

What is loneliness?

Loneliness is the distressing sensation of feeling alone and without meaningful human connections. It's typically accompanied by feelings of sadness, isolation, and disconnection. Loneliness is not the same as being alone: you can feel lonely while you're with other people if you don't feel a connection with them, and you can feel contented while you're alone if you feel that it's your choice to be by yourself.

How common is loneliness among adults?

Feelings of loneliness are common. Studies in the U.S. and the UK have estimated that between 40 and 60 percent of adults feel lonely at least some of the time. Those high rates of loneliness have been found in surveys conducted before, during, and after the COVID-19 pandemic:

• A survey by Cigna in December 2021 found that 58 percent of U.S. adults felt lonely (compared with 61 percent in a January 2020 survey, just before the COVID-19 pandemic).¹
• A study by Making Caring Common, a project of the Harvard Graduate School of Education in fall 2020, found that 36 percent of U.S. adults reported feeling lonely frequently, almost all the time, or all the time.²
• The Community Life Survey, conducted from April 2020 to March 2021 (during the COVID-19 pandemic), found that 48 percent of adults in England felt lonely at least occasionally; 6 percent felt lonely often or always.^3,4

People who feel marginalized because of their race, ethnicity, language, financial resources, gender identity, sexual orientation, physical health, or disability are even more likely to experience loneliness. Younger adults are more likely to feel lonely than older adults.^1–5

A major life change, such as a breakup or divorce, job loss, the death of a loved one, or a long-distance move can contribute to feelings of loneliness. Changes in your circle of friends and family can also leave you feeling lonely.

Feelings of loneliness may be intensified by the use of social media, which can replace in-person interactions with less satisfying remote connections. Social media can also present a false picture of other people's happiness and wellbeing, which can make a person feel lonely through unrealistic comparisons.

Ways to Overcome Loneliness

• Find ways to enjoy the times when you're alone. Take up a new hobby or return to one you've enjoyed in the past. Read books. Learn a new skill. Try your hand at drawing, painting, or playing a musical instrument. Work on a home-improvement project. Make your living space more comfortable. Spend time in nature. Explore a neighborhood or park you've never been to. When you're engaged in an activity you love, something that absorbs all your attention, you're less likely to feel lonely.
• Strike up conversations. Say hello to the neighbor you pass on the street. Ask them how their day is going and stop to chat if they're not in a hurry. Start a conversation with the person sitting next to you in the coffee shop or standing next to you in line. It can be hard to talk to strangers at first, but with some practice you'll find it gets easier. Consider that your smile or greeting can brighten another person's day. From what the surveys show, there's a good chance they're feeling lonely, too.
• Strengthen existing relationships. Think of the people you know, and consider how you might strengthen those relationships. Friendships require an investment of time and energy. They don't take hold without effort, and they can fade away with neglect. Do you have friends you talk with only occasionally? Call them or invite them out more often. Is there someone you used to spend time with who might still be available for the occasional walk, cup of coffee, or phone call? Reach out and see if you can reestablish that connection. Is there a colleague at work whom you'd like to know better? Ask them to do something with you outside of work hours. A satisfying and supportive friendship is one in which you are both equally interested in each other. When you talk, ask how the other person is doing, listen to what they say, and respond in supportive ways. Share something of yourself, too, so they can get to know you.
• Try a new activity or join a group. New friends are often made through shared interests and activities. Expand the circle of people you're meeting by joining a group, whether for a creative activity, sports, getting out in nature, community service, or an interest you'd like to explore. These kinds of groups and activities offer opportunities for relaxed conversation and human connection. Spending time doing things you enjoy can also lift your spirits and could lead you to discover a new interest or passion. Your local library or community center may be able to direct you to groups and activities in your community, or you might try an online tool like Meetup.
• Volunteer. Contributing your time, energy, and expertise as a volunteer is a great way to meet people with similar interests and values while providing valuable services. Helping other people can help you feel better about yourself, too, which can help you overcome the negative emotions of loneliness.
• Take it slow and be patient. Take things one step at a time as you make efforts to build your social connections. It takes time to become comfortable with new people you meet and for those relationships to build into enjoyable and trusting friendships. Be patient. See what it's like to make small talk with a stranger and feel your confidence grow. Let new relationships develop naturally, at their own pace. Appreciate the new people you meet for their unique qualities. Avoid comparing them with old friends you miss.
• Recognize the limits of social media. Social media is not a substitute for in-person connections. It also tends to give unrealistically positive views of other people's lives, which can leave you feeling bad about your own life by comparison. Social media has great value as a tool for keeping up with certain aspects of people's lives, and it can help you make in-person connections with people who share your interests. However, it often contributes to, rather than relieves, loneliness. If social media is making you feel lonelier, cut back on it. If it's leading you to new connections, go with it (carefully).
• Bridge distances with phone calls and video chats. If your friends and family live far away, you can still spend time with them on the phone and by video. Text messages and online posts are fine for keeping up with someone at a surface level, but one-on-one conversations in real time are far more satisfying—and much better medicine for overcoming loneliness. You might schedule regular group video sessions with distant friends or family members—just to talk, or maybe to play a game, cook, or share another activity.
• Spend time with animals. Pets, especially dogs and cats, can provide affection and companionship that take the edge off loneliness. Dogs bring an added benefit: Because they require walking, they get you outside and into the company of other dog owners. A cute dog on a leash can be both a magnet for other people and an easy way to break the ice and start conversations with strangers. If you're not ready to adopt a pet, you might ask neighbors and friends if they'd like you to walk their dog or take care of a pet when they go away.
• Take care of yourself. Loneliness is an emotional state, and emotions are tied to your physical and mental health. Eat a healthy mix of foods, get the sleep you need, engage in regular physical activity, and spend time outdoors. The combination of good nutrition, restorative rest, getting your body moving, and feeling the sunshine can lift your mood and help relieve the painful emotions of loneliness. Avoid trying to soothe your feelings with alcohol or other drugs. In the long run, they'll make you feel worse, and their use can build into a habit that's difficult to break.

Seek help.

If you've tried these steps and given yourself time to adjust to any changes you are going through, but you're still worried by your feelings of loneliness, you might benefit from some help. A counselor can help you understand what's making you feel lonely or getting in the way of building new social connections. They can also help you take steps to address both issues. If your loneliness is making you feel more than a normal level of sadness or is interfering with your work or daily life, a mental health professional can diagnose and treat a clinical problem such as depression or anxiety disorder.

References

1. Cigna. (2022). The loneliness epidemic persists: A post-pandemic look at the state of loneliness among U.S. adults. Retrieved July 23, 2022, from Link opens in a new windowhttps://newsroom.cigna.com/loneliness-epidemic-persists-post-pandemic-look
2. Making Caring Common Project, Harvard Graduate School of Education. (2021, February). Loneliness in America: How the pandemic has deepened an epidemic of loneliness and what we can do about it. Retrieved July 23, 2022, from Link opens in a new windowhttps://mcc.gse.harvard.edu/reports/loneliness-in-america
3. GovUK. (2021, 29 July). Community Life Survey 2020/21: Wellbeing and loneliness. Retrieved July 23, 2022, from Link opens in a new windowhttps://www.gov.uk/government/statistics/community-life-survey-202021-wellbeing-and-loneliness
4. Surkalim, D.L., Luo, M., Eres, R., Gebel, K., van Buskirk, J., Bauman, A. et al. (2022, 9 February). The prevalence of loneliness across 113 countries: A systematic review and meta-analysis. British Medical Journal, 376, e067068. doi: 10.1136/bmj-2021-067068
5. Mental Health Foundation. (2022, May). All the lonely people. Retrieved July 23, 2022, from Link opens in a new windowhttps://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/sites/default/files/2022-06/MHAW22-Loneliness-UK-Report.pdf