Opening Up Appropriately

You probably know the importance of being a good listener, but you may not realize that being a good talker is just as critical to your relationships at work, at home, and with your friends.

A primary way to build rapport and connect with people is a skill called self-disclosure—the ability to tell people about yourself in a way that lets them to get to know you easily and naturally. Done appropriately, self-disclosure enhances trust and intimacy in your relationships.

Telling people about yourself also can boost your own self-esteem and personal development. Describing your values, goals, and dreams leads you to define them in terms that others can understand—and that you can act on.

It can be intimidating to tell people how you feel and think, and what you want out of life or a relationship. But you'll probably find that most people will accept you for who you are. In any case, it's up to you to choose what information to disclose.

Different relationships call for different levels of self-disclosure.

Different relationships call for different levels of self-disclosure. Consider these four levels of appropriate self-disclosure, so you'll feel comfortable telling people about yourself in professional, social and personal situations.

Level 1: Answering Ritual Questions

Ritual questions are often used in greetings such as, "How are you?" "How have you been?" or "How's the family?" Brief responses such as "Great!" "Okay" or even "Not so good" usually result in brief exchanges. However, if you disclose additional information in your response, the other person may pick up on it and ask a follow-up question. Here are two examples:

Ritual question: "How are you?"
Additional information: "Great. I'm going on vacation next week."
Follow-up response: "Oh really? Where are you going?"

Ritual question: "How are you?"
Additional information: "Not bad. I'm trying to figure out what to cook for dinner tonight."
Follow-up response: "Do you want a good soup recipe that's easy to make?"

Try to remember not to disclose too much negative information in response to a ritual question. This usually dampens conversation and discourages future contact, particularly between people who haven't established a rapport.

Level 2: Disclosing Your Background and Preferences

This medium level of disclosure sets up the building blocks of relationships. Telling people about your family background, where you're from, your occupation, hobbies, marital status, some of your personal likes and dislikes, and the like paints a more specific picture that people can relate and respond to.

Perhaps you're worried that people will jump to conclusions or stereotypes about you, based on the limited information you share at this stage. If so, consider the following:

• While self-disclosure requires taking a risk, it's necessary to build trust in a relationship.
• Not disclosing basic information about yourself suggests that you've got something to hide—and perhaps you do. Remember that it's up to you to decide what you tell people about yourself. You're entitled to omit sensitive or personal information, or save it for later.
• Some people may stereotype you based on what you tell them. The only thing you can do about that is to present more specific details, to paint a more accurate picture of who you really are.

Here are some examples of disclosing your background and preferences:

• "I was raised in a small town in Wyoming, but I've always been a city-person at heart."
• "I work in an office to pay the rent, but in my spare time I write short stories and enjoy cooking."
• "I enjoy traveling, reading, and college football and basketball."
• "My kids are grown. I'm divorced, living on my own, and enjoying every minute it!"

Level 3: Discussing Your Opinions and Values

At this level of disclosure, you reveal more of your views, personal attitudes, and experiences in politics, religion, money, health, hopes, goals, and relationships. These types of self-disclosures require more risk-taking and mutual trust. That's because most people have strong, sensitive and often differing views in these areas. You may find that you agree in some of these areas and disagree in others.

You can disclose your values by talking about some of your actions. Describing experiences that you're proud of often helps people see you in a positive light and shows them what's important to you. Here are some examples:

• "I volunteer at the children's hospital."
• "I gave up a steady paycheck to go into business for myself."
• "I support our local Humane Society."

On the other hand, you can reveal your opinions by making direct statements, such as

• "I really feel strongly about..."
• "In my opinion..."

Level 4: Expressing Your Feelings

This high level of disclosure is often the most difficult and risky—yet often the most rewarding, too. Revealing your feelings about your close relationships, health, emotions, fears, desires, failures or frailties requires the greatest amount of trust and rapport. At the same time, when people share their feelings, the results frequently are deeper friendships and greater intimacy.

To reveal your feelings, you can say things such as

• "I'm happy (or sad, angry, elated, relieved, worried, thrilled, disappointed, etc.) about..."
• "I'm upset, and I want to tell you why."
• "I want to tell you how I feel about..."

A note of caution: In the area of romance, the more intense your feelings are, the more risky it may be to reveal them, because your feelings may not be mutual or even welcome. And if your feelings are inappropriate, or offered too early, revealing them may permanently damage the relationship.

Frequently Asked Questions

Here are some answers to questions people typically ask about self-disclosure:

My friend says I reveal too much personal information, especially to people I don't know that well. I say I'm just being honest. What do you say?

Telling near-strangers more than they want to know—about such things as your broken home, peptic ulcer, lousy love life—may be honest, but the results are predictable: "Check, please!"

Revealing too much personal information can scare people away. Remember the last person you met who launched into his life story after knowing you for five minutes? Most people feel it's a bit too much to take it all in.

On the other hand, if you reveal your background and some basic information a little at a time, people will feel more comfortable talking and getting to know you.

I'm not particularly anxious to go into the details of my childhood when I talk with people I don't know well, since it wasn't happy. How can I keep that part of my life private without sounding like I'm trying to hide something?

When you're exchanging background information with someone, glossing over certain periods of your life can send the message that the topic is sensitive and off-limits, at least for the time being. For example, you might say, "My family moved around a lot and it wasn't really a great time for me. But when I turned 20, I got a fresh start and moved to...." or "I got a job at ...," or "I became really interested in..."

I'm a recovering alcoholic. Is this kind of information okay to share with a coworker?

The decision to disclose a personal problem such as substance abuse to a coworker depends on your view of the person's character and the relationship. If the coworker likes to gossip, for example, your self-disclosure could end up being a topic of conversation at the water cooler. On the other hand, if you've already established a foundation of trust, then disclosing it could expand your friendship. If you're not sure, keep this information to yourself.

How do I tell my new romantic interest that I have a medical condition that may affect our sex life?

Medical conditions are among the most sensitive self-disclosures to make, especially when they involve sex. But what could be more damaging to a loving relationship than not disclosing a medical condition that could affect your partner? While there's a clear risk that an intimate disclosure could end the romance, it could also have the opposite effect and bring you closer together.