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How You Can Help Your Grieving Parent

It takes time.

In time, grief will diminish, although it may take a year or longer. One of the best gifts you can give your parent is patience and understanding, long past the time when the outside world has stopped sending cards or asking how they are doing.

Grief may be delayed.

Sometimes grief is delayed. Your mother or father may have suffered a long illness, requiring the constant care and attention of your surviving parent. Initially, your mother or father may remain caught up in taking care of the details after the death of their spouse, or may deny that they're grieving (because the death was expected). Your parent may seem fine for weeks or even months, but you should be prepared for the grief to surface at some point.

Beware of health issues.

Grief is stressful, and stress impairs the immune system. Grieving people may have more colds, suffer lingering illnesses, or have flare-ups of existing conditions. You might suggest that your parent make an appointment with a physician to keep a check of their health. Make sure the doctor knows about your parent's bereavement.

Grief can be a jumble of contradictory emotions, such as anger, longing, relief, guilt, regret, depression, panic, and even hysteria. Some days, your parent may seem almost like their old self. But then a song may come on the radio, your parent may find a note written by your late parent or pass a favorite restaurant and fall back in the throes of grief. These aren't setbacks—they are just typical ways that the grieving process resurfaces.

Understanding Your Parent's Grief

A grieving person can't function at 100 percent, so the initial months after your parent's death are not a time for new projects or major decisions. Normal functions will return for your surviving parent, even though you may observe them doing abnormal things. Such behavior isn't surprising when your parent is grieving.

Some signs of grief include the following:

• Forgetfulness—Your usually organized father or mother may miss appointments, lock the keys in the car, or mail unsigned checks with the bills. You can help by being patient, reminding your parent that these are symptoms of grief, and suggesting that they write down reminders.
• Disorganization—Your parent may find that it takes a lot longer to finish everyday tasks. It may be harder to manage time well. Projects may be left unfinished. You might help to plan a schedule, or offer to work with your parent. Spending time together and focusing on something other than the grief can bring you closer together as well as ease your parent's sense of isolation and loneliness.
• Inability to Concentrate—During the early stages of bereavement, the mind wanders. Your newly bereaved parent may find it impossible to stay focused:
  • It may be difficult to read a book or even to watch a TV show. Reading a newspaper may take longer than before, and retaining information may be difficult. You can help by highlighting important points, or even reading aloud with your parent.
  • Bereaved people can also be dangerous on the highways due to an inability to concentrate. They are also susceptible to unexpected crying spells. Warn your mother or father to be extra careful when driving or handling potentially dangerous equipment, such as a lawn mower or even a garbage disposal in a sink.
• Lack of Interest or Motivation—Your parent might say, "Why work so hard? We just die anyway." Let your parent express their feelings, and offer your love and support. But if you worry that your parent might actually hurt themselves, or if you notice a sudden or excessive use of alcohol or drugs, talk to your parent's physician immediately.

Helping Out

Physical Health

Grief is physically exhausting. It can actually make someone ill. So if your parent's grief seems to be affecting their health, make sure the doctor knows about your parent's loss and can help monitor your parent's condition if necessary.

You can also help by making sure your parent eats regular, nourishing meals. If it's too difficult for them to eat three regular meals each day, suggest that your parent try four or five small ones. See that nutritious snacks are also available.

Help your mother or father get regular exercise. If you live nearby, visit in the evenings for walks around the neighborhood after dinner. If you're far away, ask one of their friends or neighbors to walk with your parent.

In addition to the exhaustion brought on by grief, your parent may be having problems sleeping. Help your parent think about developing regular bedtime routines, and ask family and friends not to call after a designated time. Meditation may also help your parent get the rest they need. If sleep problems persist, your parent should see a physician.

Emotional Health

You may find your parent is more likely to snap at you or others. Minor issues may spark major arguments. Be understanding and patient. Remember that your mother or father probably isn't really angry with you; they may really be angry about losing a spouse.

If your parent is receptive, you might look for a support group for people who have lost a spouse. If they belong to a religious or community organization, encourage your parent to attend services or meetings as much as they are able to and to stay in contact with fellow members.

The Mourning Period

The length of the mourning period will be influenced by your parent's personality, their feelings about your late parent, and even the cause of death. If your parent died unexpectedly, your surviving parent probably didn't have a chance to say goodbye and may now have to look for a symbolic way to do so. You might suggest writing a letter to your late parent or reading to the late parent at their burial site.

And no matter how well your surviving parent has dealt with the grief of losing a spouse, emotions often resurface at holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. It's important to acknowledge and share this emotion. For example, let your mother or father know that you remember your parents' wedding anniversary, and ask if you can do something special for the occasion, such as taking them out for dinner. Be understanding if your parent doesn't want to do anything or wants you to stay home with them instead.

Resource Books

Akner, L., & Whitney, C. (1993). How to survive the loss of a parent: A guide for adults. New York: William Morrow.

Fitzgerald, H. (1995). The mourning handbook: The most comprehensive resource offering practical and compassionate advice on coping with all aspects of death and dying. New York: Simon and Schuster.

Kubler-Ross, E. (1997). On death and dying. New York: Simon and Schuster.