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Talking to Tweens About Sexuality

It's kind of an amazing transformation. And it inevitably happens overnight. One day your little girl is running around in her brother's used jeans, and the next she's a nine-year-old who's lecturing you about the latest fashions and makeup trends. Or maybe it's your girl-hating son suddenly talking about the girl in his sixth-grade class he's "going with." You may have expected this when your kids turned into teenagers. But before middle school? Well, you're not alone. Parents all across the country are scratching their heads and wondering what's going on. As a matter of fact, the phenomenon of 'tweens acting and dressing—and spending money—to be just like the 20-something sex-symbols they see on TV has been given a name in advertising and marketing circles: KGOY, or Kids Getting Older Younger. So what's a parent of a too-old-for-lecturing kid to do? Most experts all have the same advice: rather than pretending it's not happening, talk about it with your children and come up with solutions together.

When is too early?

It's never too early to talk to your kids about what sexuality is, and all that it involves. The common wisdom is that kids are ready to start learning as soon as they start asking questions; this is usually well before the time they are in kindergarten. Parenting authors also agree that that the topic of sexuality—whether it's information about how our bodies work, our genders, our sexual orientation, or our values—should never be off-limits at home. If children grow up understanding that their sexuality as a whole is not something "dirty" but an important part of who they are, they will be more prepared to ask you the sensitive questions about sex when the time comes. Because as kids reach those 'tween years, their peer group becomes more and more important to them. And as awkward as it might be, wouldn't you rather your children trust you and not turn to their friends or the media for misinformation?

The fact is that sexual development of girls starts around age nine. Although the average age of menstruation in the U.S. is 12, many girls today begin as early as eight years old. Boys generally start going through puberty between the ages of 10 and 12; puberty is a process which lasts from two to five years. During these years and even before, both boys and girls will be noticing changes in their bodies and feelings, and needing a safe place to be assured that, yes, it's all completely normal.

By the age of 12, most kids are ready for the facts about sex and reproduction. They need to know about sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), the consequences of teen pregnancy, and, depending upon your beliefs, details on different types of birth control or choosing abstinence. Study after study has shown that getting information does not make children more sexually active. As a matter of fact, it's likely to have the opposite effect.

How can I approach the subject?

It's very easy for parents to tell themselves, "We'll get into it when the right moment comes along..." But especially if you managed to gloss over the subject of sexuality when your kids were small, that perfect opportunity is unlikely to present itself.

Instead of one all-inclusive "birds-and-bees" sit-down, think about raising the topic whenever there's an opening. Keep things short and chatty, and try to be curious, not judgmental. Always connect sexuality with personal values. While watching TV, look at the teen characters and their choices: do the programs deal with all of the issues and possible consequences of an action? While you're in the car and the radio's on, listen to song lyrics: how do you feel about the messages you each hear? Discuss news articles and share short stories with your child. Choose a book on sexuality you find appropriate. Make sure your son or daughter knows where to find it, and that you're open to talking about what's in it.

Also, pay close attention to questions and concerns from your 'tween about "someone at school" or "a friend you don't know"; respecting the need for anonymity and privacy will encourage your child to see you as a good source of information. Using humor is another non-threatening way to make everyone feel more at ease. The truth is that you all may be a bit uncomfortable talking about sexuality, especially at first. But your 'tween will probably appreciate hearing, "I need to learn how to feel comfortable talking about this. My parents never talked about these things to me."

No matter how old your kids are, it's never too late to start talking, either. Visit your local library or bookstore, or search for a Web site that has more of the kind of information you need to feel confident about these conversations.

How much is too much?

Whether it's giving your 'tween information, independence or responsibility, you as a parent are the best judge of when to step in and where to draw the lines. Today, many parents find themselves in a real bind when they come up against fashions and trends-it seems as if kids are being pushed to act like adults before they realize what their actions might mean to someone else.

Every mall in America showcases revealing clothing and styles for young women that are provocative, to say the least. So it's natural that girls in grade-school want the glitter make-up, body jewelry and lingerie they see modeled by their favorite pop stars. "Everyone's wearing it!" is a familiar refrain. What young girls may not be aware of, however, is the overtly sexualized messages they're really sending.

Boys aren't immune to the pressure of conforming, either. It's not uncommon for young boys to talk big about girls, even though preadolescent relationships are rarely cause for concern. Early romances do provide a great opportunity for parents to talk about the importance of values, respect and self-esteem in any relationship. And also to examine the damage negative remarks about women can cause.

When coming up with rules about "grown-up" fashions for girls, as well as acceptable social behavior for 'tween boys and girls, consider the following tips:

• Don't overreact or make threats. Ask your son about his girlfriend, and get to know his friends. If your daughter wants to buy a low-cut blouse, don't rush to judgment or "Never in my house!"
• Find their motivation. 'Tweens are at an awkward age, and usually make choices to "fit in" and be like someone, or everyone, else. If they've got a role model, discuss that image. Perhaps you can agree upon another example, someone worth the respect.
• Be clear about your reasons. If you feel a certain style is inappropriate, make sure your child knows why. If it's because you feel it's sending the wrong message, be careful that your concerns are spelled out and not taken as a personal insult.
• Come up with rules together. Sit down with your child and decide upon rules and limitations you can both live with, including consequences if the rules are broken. Be prepared to follow through!
• Tell your kids it's OK to be a kid. Share stories of your own insecurities and experiences as a child, and keep yourself from using "Oh, you look so grown-up!" as a compliment.
• As time goes by, reexamine rules. Things do change. Look at the guidelines you've set as you're your child matures, and make sure you're still on a reasonable track.

As in so many areas of parenting, being open and honest about these tricky issues will go a long way toward helping your not-so-little children develop a healthy attitude about human sexuality.