Benefits with The Local Choice

Talking with Teenagers About Violence

Teenagers are ages 12–18.

You may not be the first person a teenager will turn to when he or she is upset. Teens are most likely to talk with their peers. Don't take it personally. Be mindful of your own reactions to the event and of the fact that adolescents need the support of calm caregivers. They may also fear that, as an adult, you will discount or underestimate the significance of their feelings. The best you can do is listen, remain open and available, and let them know you're there for them.

If teenagers see or are hurt by violence, they may do the following:

• Talk or think about the event all the time
• Say the event didn't happen
• Use violence to get what they want
• Rebel at home or in school
• Stop being concerned about how they look
• Complain about being tired all the time
• Refuse to follow rules
• Spend more time away from home
• Not want to leave the house
• Get scared when thinking about the event
• Have nightmares
• Have difficulty paying attention in class or concentrating on work
• Do risky things (such as driving fast or jumping from high places)
• Want to seek revenge
• Change friends or dating relationships abruptly
• Become perpetrators or victims of violent dating relationships*
• Drink and use drugs*
• Start skipping school*
• Think about wanting to die or suicide*
• Break the law or destroy things*

*Take these actions seriously and seek professional help.

Teenagers may feel embarrassed to talk about what happened, but they won't want you to know that. Try to make them feel comfortable about talking to you, but don't force them to talk if they don't want to. Don't downplay their feelings by saying things like "Don't worry" or "Cheer up." Try not to make judgments or give advice. Instead, let them know you're there to help them find solutions.

Here are some things teenagers might do if you try to talk to them about violence:

• Ignore you
• Change the subject ("I'm hungry")
• Blame others for the violence (for instance, by saying, "If you were nicer to him, he wouldn't hit you" or "You should have done what he said" or "Those kids were just asking for trouble")
• Run to his or her room and slam the door
• Say, "Don't worry," and try to cheer you up
• Try to hit you
• Listen quietly without saying anything
• Say, "Whatever"

Don't take any of these responses personally. Try some of the strategies listed below. Remember that healing takes time, and teens need you to be patient.

Here are some ways you can help teenagers express what they're thinking and feeling:

• Reach out to teens by asking, in private, "What's wrong?" Use conversation openings such as "You haven't seemed yourself lately," "You seem kind of down," or "Is something bothering you?"
• Encourage teens to talk about their feelings and tell their side of the story.
• Expect some difficult behavior, but don't let teens break the rules out of sympathy.
• Respond calmly to what teens have to say.
• Don't judge.
• Keep anniversary reactions in mind. For example, a teen may feel upset on the date the violence occurred, even years after the event.
• Show you understand by repeating in your own words what they said or felt. Let them know that the feelings are normal. For example, "It sounds like you really hated Dad when he was hitting you."
• Help them identify and label their feelings. For example, "I can understand why this made you angry."
• Praise their efforts to communicate their thoughts and feelings. For example, tell them, "I'm glad you are talking with me about this."
• Respond supportively when they tell you about the event. Don't disagree or try to lessen the intensity of their feelings.
• Encourage them to write about their thoughts and feelings in a journal.
• Encourage them to talk to people with whom they feel comfortable. They might choose to confide in close friends or a trusted teacher, coach, or counselor.

Here are some things you can do to help teenagers feel safe and in control:

• Be extra patient. They may be distracted and forget to do chores or turn in school assignments.
• Give straightforward explanations, whenever possible, for things that may worry them.
• Find out what's making them feel unsafe and help them make a safety plan. For example, you might suggest that they don't try to stop the violence themselves, and that they leave the place where the violence is happening and go somewhere safe.
• Support them to engage in comforting routines—listening to favorite music, playing sports, keeping a journal, looking at photographs. These can bring a sense of hope.
• Provide them with safe and fun physical activities to release the tension. Good choices of activities include those that they do well or enjoy.
• Enroll them in programs that teach conflict-resolution skills.
• Don't make commitments you can't honor. Don't say, "You'll be safe from now on." Instead you might say, "Let's make a plan to keep you as safe as possible."
• Suggest concrete things they can do. You might start by saying, "I'm sorry that this is happening to you. You're not alone. Let's take a look at your options."
• Help them think of positive ways to keep busy, such as playing sports, going out with friends, or making art or music.