Benefits with The Local Choice

Conversation Strategies to Use When Talking With Older Adults (Part 2)

If Your Relative Doesn't Seem to Understand You

Even if your relative has difficulty understanding or paying attention—for instance, because of memory loss, behavior changes, or Alzheimer's disease—there may still be things you can communicate to him or her.

• Speak as you would to any other responsible adult. Try not to sound demeaning or patronizing.
• Don't shut your relative out of all conversations. Occasionally, try to include your relative in a conversation, and encourage other people to do the same.
• Sit next to your relative, and look at him or her. Sitting across from your relative may seem threatening.
• Let your relative reminisce. If he or she does not seem to be aware of the present, it's OK to occasionally allow the real pleasure of recalling the past with you.

If Your Relative has Trouble Seeing, Hearing, or Speaking

You may have some extra concerns if your relative has trouble seeing, hearing, or speaking clearly. Here are some ways to deal with problems in these areas:

• If your relative can't see well, your tone of voice is particularly important. Someone who can't make eye contact or see your facial expressions needs to have extra cues to understand what you are trying to say. Show your emotions—happy, concerned, or curious—in your tone of voice. When speaking, try to stand or sit directly in your relative's line of sight.
• If your relative wears a hearing aid, or has other hearing problems, speak in a clear, loud, low-pitched voice. Use short sentences, and speak without eating, drinking, smoking, or covering your mouth. If you need to repeat something, rephrase the sentence—don't say the same words again. Different words might be easier for your relative to hear.
• If your relative has trouble speaking, be patient. Try to understand how frustrating the difficulty can be for him or her. Don't try to finish sentences for him or her—this may feel that you are rushing or becoming impatient. Instead, speak as slowly and clearly as you can. This gives your relative permission to speak slowly, too.

When You Need a Family Meeting

Often a doctor or social worker will recommend a family meeting to help you understand an illness and its progression, discuss how your family will divide the tasks and responsibilities of caring for your relative, or resolve conflicts. Having a professional guide the meeting can be very helpful. Here are some suggestions for a simple family meeting.

• Try to include your older relative. If this does not occur at the first meeting, then try to include him or her at the next one.
• Think of your family in broad terms. Include anyone who cares about or feels responsible for your relative—a friend or neighbor, or even a religious leader, social worker, or health professional.
• Begin the meeting by talking about the specific concerns that have brought you together. It might be deciding if your relative needs some household help, discussing a hospitalization or health concern, or getting ready to move to a nursing home.
• Set your priorities. Decide what you need to talk about right away. It's generally best not to try to solve everything at your first meeting.
• Focus on the present. It can be easy for any family to revisit old conflicts. Keep in mind that you've called the meeting for a specific purpose, and, if necessary, remind people of it.
• Make sure everyone at the meeting has a chance to talk about ideas and solutions. Try to be honest about what each person in the family can or cannot do. Talk openly about what everyone can reasonably offer.
• Agree that one person will be the family contact with the doctors and others who provide care.
• Write down any plans you've agreed to, and set some limits. If you'd like your relative to try adult day care, you might say, "OK, let's try adult day care for two weeks, and if you don't like it, we'll try something else."
• Set up a date to meet again. Pick a time when you will talk together about how successful your plans have been and what else you may need to do.
• Above all, be sure to listen to your relative's wishes and plans. Let your relative know that the family is involved because everybody cares and wants to work together to carry out those wishes and plans in the best way possible.

Talking on the Telephone

Many families move around a lot, and you and your relative may live far apart. Here are a few ideas you can use for important long-distance conversations:

• Make a list of the things you want to discuss before you call. If some are more important than others, list them in the order you want to talk about them.
• Be realistic in your expectations. Plan to cover just one or two things in each telephone conversation.
• Speak calmly and clearly. Lowering the pitch of your voice can often make you sound calmer (and can make it easier for someone with hearing loss to understand you).

Make sure you understand what's really being said. Don't assume things or read into your relative's words. Words can take on a different meaning over the phone when there's no body language to help you understand.