Benefits with The Local Choice

Conversation Strategies to Use When Talking With Older Adults (Part 1)

It is often a challenge to discuss difficult issues that involve change. Often, family members have concerns regarding the health and safety of an older relative, which the older relative does not share. Be aware of the possible reaction to the role reversal; taking care of someone who has always taken care of you. It is important to respect and honor your loved one's dignity in all conversations. Also, they may not be at the point of asking or admitting the need for help, so the concern is one-sided. Effective communication strategies include honoring the value and independence of the elder.

Modify your style.

When you talk to an older relative, you may find your long-standing style of communication isn't working (or working as well) anymore. Here are some tips that may help:

• Think about the purpose of the conversation. Do you want to go over a schedule? Talk about a big social or financial issue? The topic will affect how you approach the conversation. For example, if you'd like your relative to start going to activities at a senior citizen's center, you might get a calendar of events so that your relative can look at it when you talk.
• If you need to have more than a routine "check-in" conversation with your relative, say so up front. Let your relative know the purpose of the conversation. If you're concerned about the stack of unpaid bills you saw during your last visit, and want to offer to help with the checkbook, say so. Being direct about your concerns will help your relative understand how important the subject is to you.
• Consider your relationship with your relative. Have you always been close? Are you able to talk easily? If not, you might ask another family member or friend to join you to help break the ice.

Talking With Your Older Relative

• Listen to your relative at least as much as you talk. Remember that conversation is a two-way street.
• Be positive. Try to make constructive suggestions instead of negative or accusatory statements. "Let's try having a housekeeper do the heavier work so you can keep things the way you like them," will probably work better than, "You know you can't keep the place clean any more."
• Treat your relative with respect. Speak to him or her in a tone of voice that shows how much you respect and care. Instead of saying, "Why didn't you take your medicine?" you might say, "There are the same number of pills in your medicine bottles last week. Are your pills in a place you can reach?"
• Remember that your relative still needs to make decisions about his or her own life. Maintaining someone's sense of independence and dignity may be as important as having the groceries delivered or making sure he or she has the right medical care.
• Be patient. Allow enough time for your relative to complete his or her thoughts without interruption. Some older people need extra time to express themselves.
• Try to set aside a quiet time and place to talk. If possible, try to talk during the time of day when your relative is feeling best.
• Be honest. A close relative will probably be able to tell when you're holding something back, and might start to worry that the truth is worse than it is.
• From time to time in your conversation, repeat what you think you heard your relative say. This will show him or her that you've been listening and will help you make sure you've understood.
• Remember that part of feeling secure is feeling needed. Sometimes it can still help to talk about your own feelings and let your relative offer you some comfort.
• If your relative is feeling afraid or anxious, don't try to minimize the fears. Let your relative know you understand how he or she is feeling and want to help. For instance, "We'll work something out together."
• Try to avoid arguing. No matter how hard it is, don't be drawn into an argument. Try to talk about differences without criticizing each other.
• If you're really having problems discussing something, slow down. Leave it for another day when you aren't angry or upset.
• Remember to think about the expression on your face while you're speaking. Does it match your words? When you're trying to sound reassuring, do you look worried?
• Try to stay calm and focused. Keep your tone of voice steady and even, sit up tall, and look at your relative when you talk. An angry tone or nervous hand gestures can contradict comforting words.
• Don't hesitate to touch your relative. Touching can have a soothing effect—as long as both of you are comfortable with it. A soft touch on the hand can often be better than patting someone's arm.
• Try not to appear rushed. Let your relative know that you have enough time for the conversation.
• Show that you're paying attention. Make clear that you're listening by nodding, looking in your relative's eyes, or saying things that show you understand what he or she is saying. Your relative may find it reassuring to hear you say, "Yes, I see. You're right, that must have been hard."