Two Principles of Interest-Based Problem-Solving
Here are two simple (but not always easy) principles of interest-based problem-solving.
Principle #1: Use conflict as a natural resource.
Conflict is natural. Each person perceives the world around him or her differently and makes decisions differently. People act in various ways due to upbringing, personalities, where they sit in an organization, cultures, or even from what part of the world they come. Everyone has different points of view about different topics, and it would be strange indeed if people did not disagree from time to time.
Conflict can even be a good resource. Conflict can be a first step on the way to improving communication, solving a problem, and even building trust and cooperation.
Principle #2: Respect people; attack problems.
When you have a difference with someone, it is not unusual to think something like, "We have a problem here, and the problem is you!"
Usual or not, this attitude will not get you moving down the road to mutual problem-solving. Think about it the other way around: When someone feels that you are the problem, you tend to "get the message" (whether through tone of voice, body language, or simply vibes). Your reaction tends to be defensive: "If I am the problem, then we have a big problem—because I am not likely to become someone else in the near future!"
Deciding that "the problem is you" is not only ineffective, it is also usually not true. In fact, the other person is a human being, in many ways like you, with hopes, dreams, fears, and imperfections. If you put people down, they are likely to put you down in return.
Therefore, do whatever you need to do to distinguish between the person and the problem. This is an internal activity, and only you know how to do it for yourself. Some people draw on their religious heritage for guidance; others recommend "going up onto the balcony" in your imagination to see the conflict situation from an outsider's perspective. Find whatever works for you, and go ahead and do it before you move on to the next step. You will know you have succeeded when you can imagine yourself and the other(s) involved in the conflict standing side by side, facing the problem together.
U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs. (Updated 2018, January [Ed.]). A four-step way of dealing with conflict: Two simple (but not easy) principles of interest-based problem solving (B. Schuette, Ed.). Retrieved September 12, 2019, from https://www.va.gov