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Coming Out

What is "coming out"?

Coming out is the process of accepting yourself as a lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer/questioning, or other (LGBTQ+) person and then sharing that sexual orientation or gender identity with others. It's a process that different people go through in different ways and on different timelines. There is no one "right" way or "right" time in your life to come out. Different people face different opportunities and challenges in coming out. What might make sense for someone else may not work for you.

Coming out is not an all-or-nothing act. You might choose to be open about your sexual orientation or gender identity with some people but not with others. It's also a process that continues and never really ends. As you change and become more aware of and comfortable with your true self, and as you interact with different people throughout your life, you may find yourself coming out again and again in different circumstances and different ways.

Coming out can take courage. It may be easy and natural for some people. For others it can be more difficult, depending on the reactions or anticipated reactions of the important people in their lives. It can also take time—sometimes years—to develop a positive gay or sexual identity that is true to who you are.

The Benefits of Coming Out

Becoming aware of and coming to terms with your sexual orientation or gender identity is an important step in the process of coming out. It's the step of accepting your true self. As you make that adjustment in your image of yourself, it can help to have caring and accepting people to talk to. In this early stage, coming out to a trusted confidant or a select group of people can help you talk through your feelings and fears and find the strength and wisdom to come out to others in a way that feels safe, honest, and positive.

Beyond the important benefit of that initial support, coming out can help you:

  • Live your life honestly, as a whole person, without hiding important aspects of yourself.
  • Boost your self-esteem—understand and feel good about who you are.
  • Get past the fear of being "found out."
  • Build closer, more genuine relationships with your family and with friends.
  • Connect with others who identify as LGBTQ+, and become part of a shared community.
  • Become part of the larger effort to dispel negative stereotypes and myths about LGBTQ+ people.
  • Serve as a role model for others.

Risks and Common Fears of Coming Out

The benefits of coming out are important and real, but so are the risks and fears that often hold people back. These may include worries about rejection and the loss of important relationships, and, if you're coming out at work, about the effect on your job and career. It's normal to have these concerns. To understand whether your fears are real or imagined, it can help to talk with others who have been through the process, or to read books and articles about others who have come out. By talking and learning about the coming-out process, you can refine your plans in ways that maximize the benefits to you of coming out while minimizing the risks.

Making a Plan for Coming Out

As you consider whether, when, and how to talk to people about your sexual orientation or gender identity, it can help to ask yourself some questions:

  • Do I know what I want to tell people? How confident are you about your sexual orientation or gender identity? How will you describe this aspect of yourself to people? How will you answer if they ask, "Are you sure?" It's OK to start talking to people as you wrestle with these questions. Talking can often help you clarify your thoughts and feelings. You may want to write down your thoughts to test your thinking, or start your conversations with people whom you trust to help you work through your questions.
  • Who should I tell first? Think about whom you trust to be supportive and helpful. It's generally a good idea to open up with those people first. It can be a tremendous help to find a champion who knows and cares about you, and who can help you process any less-supportive reactions. Be clear when you talk to people whether you want them to keep the information to themselves or whether it's OK for them to share it with selected other people.
  • Is this a good time? What else is going on in your life? Coming out can be an emotional process. Choose a time when you're not distracted by other priorities, on edge, or unhappy because of other events in your life. Think, too, about what's going on in the lives of the people you choose to talk with.
  • Am I well informed and able to answer questions? It can help to do some research on LGBTQ+ issues before you talk with people who are new to them. If you're able to answer their questions about sexual orientation or gender identity with confidence, you'll be better able to dispel their concerns. You might also provide them with a couple of articles or a book to read.
  • Can I be patient? It would be wonderful if everyone you tell has an immediate and positive reaction. But in the real world, some people will need time to process your news. Be prepared for some people to react strongly and possibly in negative ways. If these people are important to you, you will need the patience to let them think, learn, and talk things through with you. In the end, these people may become your strongest allies.
  • Is it safe to come out? If you have any doubt about your safety in any of the conversations you plan, or in sharing your news with people or groups who may be hostile to LGBTQ+ people, weigh the risk carefully before you proceed. Consider whether those people need to know, or how you might tell them in a way or in an environment where you are not at risk.

Remember, how you go through the coming-out process is up to you. Who you tell first, how you share the information, and when you come out to different people or different groups of people in your life is your decision. Choose an approach that feels right to you.

Having the Conversations and Sharing the News

  • Who? One good strategy is to start with one trusted person. Is there someone in your life who knows and cares about you and is likely to be compassionate and open-minded? Do you know someone who has come out as LGBTQ+ and might help you by offering guidance gained from their own experiences or serve as a sounding board for your thoughts and plans? If you get someone on your side at the start of the coming-out process, that person can provide emotional support and guidance as you start to tell others. They might even agree to be with you when you tell other people.
  • How? Having face-to-face conversations is one way to come out, but it isn't the only way. You can let people know on phone calls or video chats; or by text, email, or letter. You might choose different approaches with different people, depending on how you think they will react and if you think they will need time to process the information. You can come out on social media, too, but that's a very public route, and you'll have no control over how the information spreads.
  • When and where? If you're hoping to have a calm, thoughtful conversation, choose a private place and a quiet time where there won't be distractions. If you're worried the person you're telling may react with anger or even violence, you might choose a public place or have someone with you who can help defuse any tension. If you're sending a text or email, choose a time when the person will be available and not distracted by work or other demands. You want to choose times and places for your conversations or messages that feel comfortable and safe.
  • What do you say? How you start a coming-out conversation or message is up to you, and they will depend on the information you're sharing and your relationship with the other person. Here are some examples to consider for ideas:
    • "You're an important person in my life, and I want you to be one of the first to know that I'm gay. That means I'm attracted to men. I'd appreciate your support."
    • "After giving it a lot of thought, I've come to realize that I'm a lesbian. That means I'm attracted to women."
    • "After a lot of soul searching, I now understand that I'm transgender. So, although I was born as a boy, I identify as a woman. I'm not sure yet how I'll change my life with this realization, but I wanted you to be one of the first to know. I'd like you to keep this confidential for now."

How will people react?

Probably the biggest fear when anticipating coming out is that people will react badly to your news. Some people may, but you're also likely to be surprised by how many people react with genuine happiness and support. Other people's reactions may fall somewhere in between. They may need time to process this new aspect of you before they can welcome the change.

Here are some suggestions for dealing with that wide range of reactions:

  • A person's initial reaction can be very different than one that emerges after they have time to process, think, and talk. Give people time to come around to an accepting and supportive attitude. Don't push it, but help them with information and honest conversation, especially if you care about maintaining a long-term relationship.
  • Be aware that people have very different understandings of LGBTQ+ issues. Some have misconceptions based on inaccurate information. It's not your role to educate the world about the realities of LGBTQ+ life, but you might help the people you care deeply about by suggesting helpful books and articles for them to read.
  • You don't have to answer every question. Some people may ask inappropriate or invasively prying questions. Depending on the situation, you might simply decline to answer or point out that the question was inappropriate—not one they would ask a straight or cisgender (a person whose gender identity matches their sex assigned at birth) friend.
  • No one has the right to make you feel bad about being LGBTQ+. Try hard not to give anyone that power. Pay attention to your feelings as you have coming-out conversations and interactions. If certain people are starting to bring you down, back off and spend more time with the people who are fully supportive of you. If someone has a reaction you find hurtful, consider how you might let them know this in a way that could help restore your connection.
  • Be cautious in disclosing to people who have power over you. That can include your parents or caregivers if you are under 18 or financially dependent on them. It can include your manager at work, or the people responsible for hiring, firing, and career-advancement decisions. In these uneven power relationships, do your best to get a sense of the person's attitude toward LGBTQ+ issues, and consider holding off if you perceive a risk of reaction that could have a significant negative impact on your life.

Sources & Further Reading

Human Rights Campaign (HRC). (2020). Coming out: Living authentically as lesbian, gay and bisexual+. Retrieved February 3, 2023, from https://www.hrc.org

Human Rights Campaign (HRC). (2020). Coming out: Living authentically as transgender or nonbinary. Retrieved February 3, 2023, from https://www.hrc.org

Stonewall. (2017). Coming out as an adult. Retrieved February 3, 2023, from https://www.stonewall.org.uk

The Trevor Project. (2019, October). Coming out: A handbook for LGBT young people. Retrieved February 3, 2023, from https://www.thetrevorproject.org

Morgan, H. (Revised 2023 [Ed.]). Coming out (Z. Meeker & B. Schuette, Eds.). Raleigh, NC: Workplace Options.

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