Setting Limits With Your Teenager
Are you able to calmly set limits when your teenager is defiant or disrespectful? Are you able to set limits on more serious problem behavior such as drug use, if or when it occurs?
Setting limits helps parents teach self-control and responsibility, show caring, and provide safe boundaries. It also provides youth with guidelines and teaches them that following rules is important for their success in life. It's important for parents to stay in control and not overreact.
A Two-Step Process
Step 1: Setting Rules
- Make clear, simple, and specific rules.
- Make sure your child understands your rules.
- Have a list of consequences.
- Be ready to follow through.
Step 2: Following Up
Research shows that parents are most effective in setting limits when they follow up right away, giving consequences when rules are broken and offering encouragement when rules are followed. Youth are more likely to follow rules if they know parents are checking up on them and will enforce the consequences consistently.
Testing Limits
Testing limits is a natural part of growing up, but it presents a special challenge for parents. Often your first reactions may come from fear for your child's safety, or anger at being disobeyed. The SANE guidelines can help parents establish appropriate consequences when youth break rules:
- Small consequences are better.
- Avoid consequences that punish you.
- Nonabusive responses should be used.
- Effective consequences should be under your control and nonrewarding to your child.
Youth may get angry, act out, or become isolated when parents enforce consequences. Your child is testing you and your limits. Don't react. Be consistent with your rules.
Extra Tips
- State the limit and the consequence clearly.
- Catch the problem early.
- Avoid arguments and threats.
- Remember to use a firm and calm tone of voice.
- Follow through each time a limit is stretched or a rule is broken.
- Offer encouragement each time a rule is followed.
Follow these tips when stating rules:
- Be calm.
- Be specific.
- State only one rule at a time.
- Remember to stay involved and notice when your child follows the rule.
When giving consequences, remember these tips:
- Label the problem behavior in terms of your rule.
- State the consequence clearly.
- Avoid arguing.
- Ignore trivia.
- Remember it is normal for kids and teens to react negatively when they receive a consequence.
Follow these tips to make effective requests:
- Be specific.
- Make only one request at a time.
- Focus on what you want, not what you don't.
- Remember to make sure your child does what is asked and give praise when he or she does.
U.S. National Institutes of Health (NIH), National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA). (Updated 2015, August). Question 4: Setting limits. In Family checkup: Positive parenting prevents drug abuse. Retrieved June 18, 2018, from https://www.drugabuse.gov/