Suggestions for Speaking with Bereaved Individuals

Supporting bereaved individuals can sometimes be difficult and uncomfortable. You may feel tongue-tied and unsure of how you can help. Although you can't change the reality of the loss, your presence may be more important than you'll ever know. Nothing can take away a bereaved person's pain. However, being available will give comfort during the critical grieving process. People with strong social support tend to cope better after a significant loss. Below are a few suggested dos and don'ts to consider before speaking to individuals who have lost a loved one.

Dos

• Reach out and show your concern and compassion. If you find yourself struggling for the "right" words, don't worry. Be genuine and say something like, "I'm not quite sure what to say, but I want you to know that I care. I'm so sorry for your loss."
• Ask if the person wants to talk, and then be available to listen. Put aside your cell phone, and don't try to multitask; just focus and listen. Give the person your full attention. You don't have to say much; try to be comfortable with any silences.
• Allow people to express whatever they are feeling at the moment and are willing to share. There is no "right" way to grieve. Some people cry, some get angry and still others don't outwardly express any emotion. Grief has been compared to being on a roller coaster with its accompanying emotional ups and downs. Accept and acknowledge their feelings without judgment, even if you don't understand or haven't experienced those feelings yourself.
• Let the bereaved individuals move the direction of the discussion. They may want to speak about their loved one or talk about the details of the death. On the other hand, they may want to take a break and enjoy the distraction of taking a walk with you or hearing about your family instead.
• If you knew their loved one, share something you admired or appreciated about the person. They will find comfort in hearing such positive memories.
• Participate in the visitation, funeral, or memorial to show your support and concern.

Don'ts

• Don't give unsolicited advice about how the grieving individuals should feel or what they should do. Don't assume you understand what they are going through; you may be way off base. This is a time when you won't be able to fix the problem.
• Avoid saying "You're so strong," which puts pressure on the bereaved to hold in feelings.
• Don't change the subject when they mention their loved one. You may want to protect them from experiencing more pain, but you can't. If they feel comfortable talking to you, don't stop them from taking the opportunity to do so.
• Don't share stories of your own losses, which can come across in an insensitive way to the bereaved.
• Don't try to find something positive about the death. Avoid making statements like "It is God's will," "She's in a better place," or "Now you can get on with your life." Such comments can be misunderstood and stir up anger, resentment, or confusion. Unless asked, keep your beliefs to yourself.

Next Steps

Although there are many tasks that need to be done following the death of a loved one, grieving individuals frequently do not have the energy or concentration to complete them. Not wanting to be a burden or imposition, they often will not ask for help. Consider reversing the order, being proactive and reaching out to them with specific offers instead.

Here are some suggested ways you can help. Ask the bereaved individuals if you can

• Communicate the news of the death and funeral or memorial service arrangements to people you know in common
• Help to make the funeral or memorial service arrangements
• Run errands, shop for food, or cook a meal
• Mow the lawn or perform other outside garden tasks
• Do household cleaning or laundry
• Babysit or pick up the children from school or other outside activities
• Care for any pets

With time, many people stop sending cards, calling, or visiting. However, the grieving process persists, sometimes for years. Continuing to reach out to bereaved individuals may be more important at this period of time than immediately after their loved one's death, when many family, friends, and neighbors initially came forward. Be mindful of the sensitivity that holidays and anniversaries provoke. You may want to touch in with them before those special times. Asking if they need anything will be much appreciated.