Children and Grief

A child's grief process is different from an adult's.

Children do not react to loss in the same ways as adults. These are some of the ways children's grief is different:

• Children may seem to show grief only once in a while and for short times. This may be because a child is not able to feel strong emotions for long periods of time. A grieving child may be sad one minute and playful the next. Often families think the child doesn't really understand the loss or has gotten over it quickly. Usually, neither is true. Children's minds protect them from what is too much for them to handle emotionally.
• Mourning is a process that continues over years in children. Feelings of loss may occur again and again as the child gets older. This is common at important times, such as going to camp, graduating from school, getting married, or having children.
• Grieving children may not show their feelings as openly as adults. Grieving children may throw themselves into activities instead of withdrawing or showing grief.
• Children cannot think through their thoughts and feelings like adults. Children have trouble putting their feelings about grief into words. Strong feelings of anger and fears of death or being left alone may show up in the behavior of grieving children. Children often play death games as a way of working out their feelings and worries. These games give children a safe way to express their feelings.
• Grieving adults may withdraw and not talk to other people about the loss. Children, however, often talk to the people around them, even strangers, to see how they react and to get clues for how they should respond to the loss.
• Children may ask confusing questions. For example, a child may ask, "I know Grandpa died, but when will he come home?" This is a way of testing reality and making sure the story of the death has not changed.

Several factors can affect how a child will cope with grief.

Although grief is different for each child, several factors can affect the grief process of a child:

• The child's age and stage of development
• The child's personality
• The child's previous experiences with death
• The child's relationship with the deceased
• The cause of death
• The way the child acts and communicates within the family
• How stable the family life is after the loss
• How the child continues to be cared for
• Whether the child is given the chance to share and express feelings and memories
• How the parents cope with stress
• Whether the child has ongoing relationships with other adults

Most children who have had a loss have three common worries about death.

Children coping with a loss often ask the following three questions:

"Did I make the death happen?"
Children often think that they have magical powers. If a mother is irritated and says, "You'll be the death of me," and later dies, her child may wonder if he or she actually caused the mother's death. Also, when children argue, one may say or think, "I wish you were dead." If that child dies, the surviving child may think that those thoughts caused the death.

"Is it going to happen to me?"
The death of another child may be very hard for a child. If the child thinks that the death may have been prevented by either a parent or a doctor, the child may fear that he or she could also die.

"Who is going to take care of me?"
Since children depend on parents and other adults to take care of them, a grieving child may wonder who will care for him or her after the death of an important person.

Talking honestly about the death and including the child in rituals may help the grieving child.

Explain the death, and answer questions.

Talking about death helps children learn to cope with loss. When talking about death with children, describe it simply. Each child should be told the truth using as much detail as he or she is able to understand. Answer questions in language the child can understand. Children often worry that they will also die, or that their surviving parent will go away. They need to be told that they will be safe and taken care of.

Use the correct language.

When talking with the child about death, include the correct words, such as cancer, died, and death. Using other words or phrases (e.g. "He passed away," "He is sleeping," or "We lost him") can confuse children and cause them to misunderstand.

Include the child in planning and attending memorial ceremonies.

When a death occurs, children may feel better if they are included in planning and attending memorial ceremonies. These events help children remember the loved one. Children should not be forced to be involved in these ceremonies, but encourage them to take part when they feel comfortable doing so. Before a child attends a funeral, wake, or memorial service, give the child a full explanation of what to expect. A familiar adult or family member may help with this if the surviving parent's grief makes him or her unable to do so.

Link opens in a new windowGrief, Bereavement, and Coping with Loss (PDQ®)—Patient Version was originally published by the National Cancer Institute.