What to Do When a Loved One Dies: Part 1

It's something no one really likes to think about, or plan for, but you usually find yourself dealing with it at one time or another. Just what do you do when a loved one dies? What are the mundane tasks that need to be taken care of, as well as the important decisions that must be considered? Whether a death follows a prolonged illness, is sudden and unexpected, or is the natural end to a long and satisfying life, the loss of a friend or family member is always difficult. Hopefully, the following will help prepare you for what lies ahead, and be of assistance in handling the many responsibilities involved.

During the First Moments...

The first moments after death will probably be the most intense because of the immediacy of your emotions combined with the reality of the situation. In these moments, try to see that your loved one's end-of-life wishes are met, but also to pay attention to your own needs about saying goodbye before the body is removed.

• If your loved one dies at home, it is perfectly acceptable to take your time with the body before calling your doctor; the hospital, hospice or facility involved in care; or 911. Medical or emergency response personnel will officially pronounce death before the body is removed from your home. A body will generally be moved to a hospital or medical examiner's morgue, or directly to a funeral home or provider.
• In a hospital, hospice or nursing home setting, notify a nurse or doctor, who will pronounce death and arrange for the body to be moved. It may be more difficult to spend time alone with the body, but don't be timid about requesting what you need.

Make medical decisions.

Shortly following death there are certain medical decisions which must be made.

• Consult with the doctor or medical professional about what will be listed as the cause of death.
• Determine whether an autopsy will be performed. An autopsy is usually required if there are questions about cause of death. Next of kin or a surviving spouse can request an autopsy, but there may be costs involved.
• Decide whether any organs or tissue will be donated. Organ donation can be arranged in advance or at time of death; tissue donation can be authorized after death.

Investigate prearrangements.

As soon as possible, determine what, if anything, was prearranged insofar as funeral preparations or wishes. Find the answers to the following questions:

• Is there a letter of intent with contacts and the location of important documents?
• Has a funeral home or cemetery already been selected?
• Does the deceased have a preference about burial, cremation or other options?
• Were any requests made about the type of funeral or memorial service?
• Were any arrangements already paid for?

Contact a funeral home or provider.

Although it is not a legal requirement to use the services of a funeral home following death, in the U.S. it is certainly the most common approach. Experienced funeral directors can be of invaluable assistance in handling the many matters involved. Cremation services can also be arranged independently. If a provider has not been chosen in advance, try to get local referrals or contact the Funeral Consumers Alliance at 1-800-765-0107 (or http://www.funerals.org). For a National Directory of Cremation Providers visit http://www.cremation.com.

Be prepared to give the following information about the deceased to the provider for issuance of a death certificate and to help prepare an obituary or a paid death notice:

• Name, home address, and telephone number
• Length of residence in state
• Gender and race
• Occupation, title, and employer
• Social Security number
• Department of Veteran's Affairs (VA) claim number
• Driver's license number
• Passport Number
• Citizenship
• Date and place of birth
• Time, date, and place of death
• Name and birthplace of father and mother
• Memberships in organizations
• Marital status
• Immediate and underlying cause of death
• Whether an autopsy was performed
• Survivors' names and contact information

Handle urgent matters.

Other priorities following a death involve reaching out to friends and family, and assessing your loved one's day-to-day situation.

• Notify others.
  Think of this not so much as a responsibility, as an opportunity to get support and help from family and friends. Over the days ahead, share the duties with those closest to you. Allowing people to become involved will help them deal with their own grief, as well. One of the first ways others can pitch in is to make a list of who else to notify, and then provide any needed travel assistance—including arranging accommodations—for anyone from out of town.
• Take care of dependents.
  If the deceased's household is not your own and there is a child, elder or anyone who needs attention, help to find care arrangements, even if they're only temporary.
• Deal with property matters.
  If you do not live in the household, ensure that the rent, mortgage, taxes, utilities, etc. will be paid. Find a new living situation for pets, or make plans for feeding, etc. If the house is empty, arrange to have a house-sitter or put timers on the lights and TV, have someone pick up the mail, and cancel newspaper delivery. You may want to remove valuable belongings such as jewelry, wallets, and small antiques from the house.
• Cancel services.
  Be sure to cancel any services such as meals-on-wheels, home health aides, or volunteers. Attempt to locate a calendar and cancel any of the deceased's appointments.
• Find pertinent documents.
  Locate the following as soon as possible
  • Will or living trust
  • Birth certificate (or legal proof of age)
  • Social Security card
  • Marriage license (and divorce papers)
  • Citizenship papers
  • Insurance policies (life, health & accident, automobile, property)
  • Bank books and financial records
  • Deeds/tiles to property
  • Automobile title and registration
  • Income tax returns and records
  • Veterans discharge certificate
  • Disability claims
  • Cemetery plot or memorial park certificate of ownership