Benefits with Company

Toxic Positivity

"Cheer up."

"Count your blessings."

"Look on the bright side."

Well-meaning messages of positivity may seem like they're helping to lift another person's spirits, but they can do just the opposite. Dismissing genuine feelings of pain with sunny platitudes can cause the person who is hurting to feel isolated, ignored, unheard, and unseen.

You can inflict this kind of false positivity on yourself, too. Positive self-talk that doesn't acknowledge the reality of difficult emotions can cause you to dismiss your unhappy feelings as insignificant. An unrealistic focus on happiness can lead you to judge other emotions as "bad" and deliberately suppress them. By ignoring or bottling up your unhappy emotions you can amplify them, with the result that they leak (or flood) out at inconvenient times and in unhelpful ways. By imposing false positivity on yourself, you also miss the opportunity to learn from and resolve difficult emotions.

Happiness is a wonderful thing, and positive thinking certainly has value. So do efforts to lift your mood with social connections, exercise, meditation, music, and other practices. The problem comes in overdoing it—in striving for a constant state of happiness and not acknowledging the reality and value of other emotions.

What is toxic positivity?

Toxic positivity is the unrealistic and unhelpful focus on happiness to the exclusion of other emotions. It's the insistence on seeing only the bright side of things. It's the unnatural forcing of a positive attitude and positive emotions, especially in the face of difficulties, losses, and traumas, when other, sometimes difficult or painful, emotions are to be expected.

How is toxic positivity harmful?

Toxic positivity is damaging because it discounts and invalidates emotions other than happiness and joy. "Non-happy" emotions, such as sadness, grief, anger, and fear are dismissed as "bad" in this narrow view of positivity. That can make the people who feel these emotions believe that something is wrong with them.

There is nothing wrong with experiencing the full range of emotions. It's part of being human. When bad things happen to you, it's normal to feel difficult emotions. Toxic positivity has the effect of negating these painful emotions and making the people who experience them feel even worse.

It may be intended as encouragement, but it's cruel to tell a child to "be strong" after the death of a parent, or to tell a woman to "cheer up" after a miscarriage. In the same way, it's unfair to tell a person with cancer to "think only positive thoughts" to "fight" their illness, or to tell a person who has been wronged in an unjust way to "have a positive attitude." In each of these examples, false positivity is adding injury to the person who is suffering, not helping them deal with their difficult and painful emotions. They are being told that their life experiences aren't real and that their very real emotions aren't valid.

In the case of the cancer patient, false positivity is also adding a burden to the pain. They are being told that they are responsible for overcoming their disease. If they fail—if they get worse or die—it's because they haven't been positive enough in their thinking. In addition to feelings of physical pain, fear, sadness, and anger, they are being pushed to carry the extra burdens of guilt and shame.

Toxic positivity hurts you, too, when you apply it to yourself. By overvaluing happiness and devaluing other emotions, it limits your ability to deal with the ups and downs of life, to see that world as it is and face challenges with openness and courage. Instead of denying and hiding from heartbreak, grief, fear, and worry, it's healthier to recognize these difficult emotions and explore what they have to tell you about your values and priorities. That's not to say that you should let unhappy emotions overwhelm you or drive your behavior. It's just that you needn't be afraid of them.

How to Recognize Toxic Positivity

Pay attention to the words you use when someone shares a difficult emotion with you and to the words other people use when you reach out for emotional support. Psychologist Allison Niebes-Davis suggests you're dealing with toxic positivity when you give or encounter responses that

• Are overly short and simple—A quick response to a complicated emotion is usually a toxic positivity brush-off. When someone tells you they're feeling afraid or sad and you respond with "It will all work out," or "Buck up," you're telling the other person that you don't have time to talk about their challenges and aren't really interested.
• Don't acknowledge difficult emotions—Statements like "Look on the bright side," and "Good vibes only," invalidate difficult emotions and work to shut off conversation about them.
• Use all-or-nothing words like "everything"—"Everything happens for a reason" is a classic emotional shut-off statement.

As Niebes-Davis explains, "Toxic positivity is sneaky. It seems helpful. It seems encouraging. And it seems like a helpful way to comfort someone. But it's just the opposite. Toxic positivity is oversimplified, shaming, and incredibly isolating."

What's the alternative to toxic positivity?

The alternative to toxic positivity is empathy. When a friend, family member, or coworker tells you they are feeling sad, angry, afraid, or guilty, don't respond with an easy platitude of positivity. That just shows you don't care about the person and aren't willing to hear the story behind the emotion. Instead, ask why the person is feeling that way and listen. Show compassion. Validate the emotion. Offer comfort.

To overcome toxic positivity in your reactions to your own emotions, psychologist Susan David offers a helpful approach:

• Recognize the full range of your emotions—not just happiness, but anger, sadness, fear, guilt, envy, disgust, and other difficult emotions. No emotions are "bad" or "good." All have value as signals to you about your values and what's important to you.
• Don't deny or bottle up difficult emotions. This can backfire by amplifying them.
• Don't brew or ruminate on difficult emotions. A never-ending cycle of rumination isn't helpful either. That, too, works to amplify the emotions. (Don't fuel another person's rumination, either. When listening with empathy, help them get past the rumination cycle and move toward a meaningful resolution.)
• Label your emotions. Identifying your emotions with more precision can help you understand what's causing them and lead you to a path toward resolving them.
• Examine your emotions with curiosity and compassion. Notice and accept your emotions, even the difficult ones. Use them to gain insight into your values, your needs, and what's important to you.
• Create space between your emotions and yourself. Don't let your emotions define or drive you. Notice them and learn from them, then pause and choose your response.
• Choose your response based on your values. Use your emotions as clues to your values. What you feel strongly about is likely to be important. Choose your response to your emotions based on your values. Act and move forward in ways that are true to your values.

For More Information

David, S. (2016). Emotional agility: Get unstuck, embrace change, and thrive in work and life. New York: Avery.

Brown, B. (Host). (2021, March 1). The dangers of toxic positivity with Dr. Susan David part 1 of 2 [Audio podcast episode]. In Dare to Lead. Parcast. Link opens in a new windowhttps://brenebrown.com/podcast/brene-with-dr-susan-david-on-the-dangers-of-toxic-positivity-part-1-of-2

Neibes-Davis, A. (2019). Toxic positivity: The habit to stop immediately. Dr. Allison Answers. Link opens in a new windowhttps://drallisonanswers.com/happiness/toxic-positivity