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Coming Out at Work

Coming out as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer/questioning, or other (LGBTQ+) at work carries the potential of tremendous benefits, but also the chance of difficulty. You need to be true to yourself for your mental health and to be motivated to contribute your best work, which means being honest with the people around you. But you also need your job and the goodwill of your coworkers and manager in order to thrive at work.

Unfortunately, in today's work environment, there's no guarantee that you can have it all. Many people do. But others don't.

How do you weigh the pros and cons of coming out at work? How do you decide if it's safe to come out in your workplace? Also, how do you navigate the process when you decide to move forward?

What are the benefits of coming out at work?

If you live an open life outside of work, you know how important honesty and authenticity are to your self-esteem, your relationships with others, and your overall mental health. So, if you are not yet open about your sexual orientation or gender identity at work, you know how stifling it can be to hide that aspect of yourself.

Coming out at work can help you do the following:

• Be yourself at work.
• Move past the stress that comes from keeping secrets and worrying about being "found out."
• Make deeper friendships, and build more trusting relationships at work.
• Give your coworkers a better understanding of LGBTQ+ people and issues.
• Engage more fully in your work, which can help you be more successful and advance in your career.

Not being open about your sexual orientation and gender identity at work can lead to higher levels of stress, more cautious and restrained work performance, and feelings of shame and isolation. That can be exhausting and emotionally draining.

What are the risks of coming out at work?

If there were only benefits, all LGBTQ+ people would probably have come out at work—but they haven't. A 2018 study by the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) indicates that about half of all LGBTQ+ workers have not disclosed their sexual orientation or gender identity at work.¹ The reasons include the risk of hostile reactions or harassment from coworkers, and the possibility of discrimination in work assignments, new job opportunities, and promotions. Even when that risk is unfounded, the fear of it can hold people back.

Some legal protections exist, but those may not help when an LGBTQ+ employee encounters uncomfortable daily working relationships based on negative stereotypes or moral objections, especially if those interpersonal tensions are ignored by human resources (HR) or the organization's leaders.

How to Decide if It's Safe to Come Out at Work

Given the risk of negative consequences if you come out at work, it's prudent to take stock of your work environment before taking any irreversible steps. Here are some factors to consider:

• Does your employer have a written nondiscrimination policy that specifically covers sexual orientation and gender identity?
• Do your employer's benefits suggest an awareness of the needs of LGBTQ+ employees? Does the insurance cover domestic partners, for example, or the cost of transition?
• Is there an LGBTQ+ resource group at your employer? Is it supported by your employer?
• What's your sense of the general attitude toward LGBTQ+ people at work? Do people make derogatory comments or jokes? What kinds of humor are tolerated or not tolerated?
• Are other LGBTQ+ employees open about their sexual orientation or gender identity? If so, how are they treated, and how are they progressing in their careers?

If you work for a large organization, you may be able to find out how your employer ranks as a place for LGBTQ+ employees. The Human Rights Campaign (HRC) maintains a Corporate Equality Index of U.S. employers (Link opens in a new windowhttps://www.hrc.org/resources/corporate-equality-index). Stonewall in the United Kingdom (UK) compiles an annual list of the top 100 UK companies for LGBTQ+ employees (Link opens in a new windowhttps://www.stonewall.org.uk/our-work/campaigns/top-100-employers-2022) and the top global companies (Link opens in a new windowhttps://www.stonewall.org.uk/our-work/campaigns/stonewall-top-global-employers-2020).

That research will give you a big-picture view, but it may not tell you what coming out will be like for you—on your team, with your manager, or among the people your work with. For that, you might try smaller tests:

• Talk with an openly LGBTQ+ employee in confidence, and ask how coming out has affected their work life.
• Have a conversation with someone in HR to gauge the level of support and protection for LGBTQ+ employees. Keep in mind that HR's role is to serve and protect the employer and may not always put your interest first. So, be cautious in what you reveal about yourself until you are sure the HR representative will be helpful.
• Start small. Try indicating your identity in subtle ways, and see how people react.

How to Come Out at Work

Just as there are many ways to come out in your personal life, there are many ways to come out at work:

• Make it no big deal. Casually drop references in your conversation: "My boyfriend loves that show." Or "My wife and I are going camping this weekend." If you don't make a big deal of your sexual orientation, chances are, others will follow your lead. This can be a good approach if you are coming out as gay, lesbian, or bisexual. Coming out as transgender typically requires more preparation and explaining and may require the involvement of HR and your manager or supervisor.
• Start by telling the people who you know will be supportive and accepting. You might then ask their help in telling others, or you might ask them to keep the information confidential until you are ready to come out to others. Some LGBTQ+ people limit the coming-out process to a small circle of confidants.
• Have a partner or date meet you at work one day, or bring your significant other to a workplace function. That's a way of clearly and casually getting the word out that you aren't straight.
• Enlist an HR representative as an ally. This may be important if you are coming out as transgender, as procedural steps may be needed, especially if you are changing your name, asking people to use different pronouns, or negotiating which bathroom to use. You can decide with HR whether you want to send out a coming-out email or if you would prefer HR send a message and field follow-up questions.
• Talk with your manager or supervisor. If you think your manager or supervisor will be one of your biggest supporters, you might start your coming-out process with them. If you're uncertain of their reaction, start with others you trust and get the backing of HR, then have the conversation with your manager.
• Take your time. It's your choice to come out at work, and it's your choice when and how quickly you do it. Even telling one person at work can release much of your stress and anxiety. Approach coming out on your own terms, and do it in a way that feels comfortable and safe.

If You Experience Negative Reactions

You're likely to experience a range of reactions to coming out at work. Some people will be openly supportive, and most people won't really care. It can be a huge relief to have allies and to realize that your sexual orientation or gender identity is not that important to many of your coworkers. However, you may encounter hostile reactions, and it's good to know where to turn and how to respond if you do. Here are some suggestions:

• Lean on your support network. If you're hurt by a disparaging comment from a coworker, turn to a trusted friend or colleague to talk through what was said and how you might respond. It might be best to brush it off and remind yourself of what's good about you and your work.
• Turn to your employer's LGBTQ+ support network. Colleagues in the network may be able to give you practical advice about defusing a tense relationship. They may also be able to advise you on where to turn for help.
• Respond calmly and honestly. If you can do it in a safe and productive way, you might let the person who offended you know that what they said or did was hurtful and why.
• Turn to your manager or HR for support. If you experience a serious breach of accepted behavior or a pattern of harassment because of your LGBTQ+ identity or orientation, bring the matter to the attention of your manager or your HR representative.
• Know your rights. Be aware of your employer's policies around diversity and the codes for expected behavior in your workplace, as well as the laws that protect LGBTQ+ employees. The Supreme Court ruled in 2020 that Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964—which prevents workplace discrimination based on race, color, religion, sex, or national origin—also protects LGBTQ+ employees from being fired because of their sexual orientation or gender identity. (The ruling does not apply to religious or small employers.)
• Go higher in your organization. If you aren't getting the support you need from your supervisor or HR representative to counter an ongoing pattern of harassment or discrimination, consider going higher in the organization. Is there a person with responsibility for promoting diversity who might be able to help? Or an HR executive?
• Go outside your organization. If you aren't getting the support you need at your workplace, you may contact an independent third party to help you resolve this, which can include ombudsmen (available in many countries and states) that help with any workplace conflict through mediation or other peaceful resolution options.

Coming out is an ongoing process.

Coming out at work for the first time can feel like crossing a momentous threshold. Once you experience it, you'll know which of your fears were unfounded and which were real. You'll also have a taste of living your work life honestly, as your true self. But it's not the end of the process. Staff changes, new project teams, new supervisors, and new responsibilities can all mean facing the coming-out decision again and again. You'll also be starting over if you take a job with a different organization.

You may find yourself coming out again and again, week after week, as you interact with new people. Or you may choose to limit your coming out to a core group of coworkers. Does everyone at work need to know? That's up to you. How and when you let them know is up to you, too.

Reference

1. Human Rights Campaign (HRC). (2018). A workplace divided: Understanding the climate for LGBTQ workers nationwide. Retrieved February 3, 2023, from https://www.hrc.org