Mourning the Death of a Spouse or Domestic Partner: Part 1

When your spouse or domestic partner dies, your world changes. You are in mourning—feeling grief and sorrow at the loss. You may feel numb, shocked, and fearful. You may feel guilty for being the one who is still alive. If your spouse or partner died in a nursing home, you may wish that you had been able to care for him or her at home. At some point, you may even feel angry at your spouse or partner for leaving you. All these feelings are normal. There are no rules about how you should feel. There is no right or wrong way to mourn.

When you grieve, you can feel both physical and emotional pain. People who are grieving often cry easily and can have

• Trouble sleeping
• Little interest in food
• Problems with concentration
• A hard time making decisions

If you are grieving, in addition to dealing with feelings of loss, you may also need to put your own life back together. This can be hard work. During this time, you may be surprised by some of your feelings, but they are a part of mourning. Some people may feel better sooner than they expect. Others may take longer. As time passes, you may still miss your spouse or partner, but for most people the intense pain will lessen. There will be good and bad days. You will know that you are feeling better when the good days begin to outnumber the bad.

For some people, mourning can go on so long that it becomes unhealthy. This can be a sign of serious depression and anxiety. If your sadness stays with you and keeps you from carrying on with your day-to-day life, talk to your doctor.

What can you do?

In the beginning, you may find that taking care of details and keeping busy helps. For a while, family and friends may be around to assist you, but there comes a time when you will have to face the change in your life.

Here are some ideas to keep in mind:

• Take care of yourself. Grief can be hard on your health. Try to eat right, make exercise a part of your daily routine, take your medicine, and get enough sleep. Bad habits, such as drinking too much alcohol or smoking, can put your health at risk. Keep up with your usual visits to your health care provider.
• Talk to caring friends. Let family and friends know when you want to talk about your partner. It may help to be with people who let you say what you're feeling.
• Join a grief support group. Sometimes it helps to talk to people who are also grieving. Check with hospitals, religious communities, and local agencies to find out about support groups.
• Try not to make any major changes right away. It's a good idea to wait for a while before making big decisions like moving or changing jobs.
• See your doctor. If you're having trouble taking care of your everyday activities, like getting dressed or fixing meals, talk to your health care provider.
• Don't be afraid to seek professional help. Sometimes short-term talk therapy with a counselor can help.
• Remember your children are grieving, too. You may find that your relationship with your children has changed. It will take time for the whole family to adjust to life without your loved one.
• Remember—mourning takes time. It's common to have rollercoaster emotions for a while.

Do men and women feel the same way?

Andrew, age 73, felt like the wind had been knocked out of him when his wife died. He began sleeping all day and staying up at night watching TV. Meals were mostly snacks like cookies and chips. He knew it wasn't healthy, but he didn't know what to do. Across town, Alice woke up in a panic. It had been 5 weeks since Jeff, her husband of 41 years, died. She cared for him during his long illness. How was she going to cope with the loneliness?

Men and women share many of the same feelings when their spouse dies. Both may deal with the pain of loss, and both may worry about the future. But, there can also be differences. Often, couples divide up their household tasks. One person may pay bills and handle car repairs. The other person may cook meals and mow the lawn. Splitting up jobs often works well until there is only one person who has to do it all. Learning to manage new tasks, from chores to household repairs to finances, takes time, but it can be done.

Being alone can increase concerns about safety. It's a good idea to make sure there are working locks on the doors and windows. If you need help, ask your family or friends.

Facing the future without a partner can be scary. Many people have never lived alone. Those who are both widowed and retired may feel very lonely and become depressed. Talk to your doctor about how you are feeling.