When You and Your Parent Are Grieving
Helping a Grieving Parent
It is never easy to console someone whose spouse has died, but it can be especially challenging when the deceased is your parent. How can you comfort your surviving parent while dealing with your own loss?
It may help you to remember that every person experiences grief differently, and that losing a spouse isn't the same thing as losing a parent. You shouldn't assume that you know exactly how your surviving parent feels. Try to be understanding and patient.
You can help by
- Attending to their physical needs
- Listening and encouraging your parent to talk about the spouse who passed away
- Making sure your parent gets the care they need
- Patiently allowing your parent to express their grief
- Remembering and acknowledging important dates and anniversaries
It's not always easy to do these things, however, and because you have to deal with your own loss, you may be frustrated as you try to help your parent move on with their life. As part of the grieving process, your parent may experience depression, forgetfulness, disorganization, preoccupation with the loss, and a lack of interest in or motivation to pursue activities that were previously enjoyed. Maybe you're having trouble letting go, and you resent the fact that your surviving parent has given away your late parent's clothes. In either case, tensions may be driving you apart at a time when support is most needed.
In addition to support and time to mourn, both you and your surviving parent need plenty of rest, nutritious meals, and exercise. Try to make sure you both get these things. Staying healthy will help your body handle the stress these emotions can cause.
Taking Care of Yourself
A lot of responsibilities may be thrust upon adult children when a parent dies. They may be expected to make funeral arrangements, do all the paperwork, or start caring for surviving parents. However, it's important that you take time for your own grief. You might want to join a support group. You should also let your friends and other family members know what your needs are: Do you need to talk or blow off steam about your surviving parent?
As you watch out for your parent, don't forget your own daily health routines. You should eat well, exercise, and get plenty of sleep. Make sure your doctor knows what's happened and can help monitor your health if necessary.
Finally, remember that in addition to your grief, you may also be facing feelings about your own aging and death. The death of a parent brings people face to face with their own mortality and reminds them that they are no longer children. This adjustment can be difficult.
Express your feelings appropriately, and encourage your parent to do the same. You may both feel better after a good cry—especially if you've shared your tears. You might also seek professional guidance. If your emotions are overwhelming, consider seeing a licensed therapist who specializes in grief.
Resource Books
Akner, L., & Whitney, C. (1993). How to survive the loss of a parent: A guide for adults. New York: William Morrow.
Fitzgerald, H. (1995). The mourning handbook: The most comprehensive resource offering practical and compassionate advice on coping with all aspects of death and dying. New York: Simon and Schuster.
Kubler-Ross, E. (1997). On death and dying. New York: Simon and Schuster.
Workplace Options. (Revised 2024). When you and your parent are grieving. Raleigh, NC: Author.