Successful Stepparenting
The blending of two families is never easy. Children harbor memories of a family that once existed and has now been replaced because of a choice they did not make. As much as they may want to be part of a family again, this new environment will feel foreign to them. But stepfamilies can survive, even thrive, as a result of planning, give-and-take, and most importantly, time.
The biological relationship between parent and child is very different from a stepparent and stepchild relationship. A step relationship should be treated as any other friendship which grows over time. When a new spouse is placed in the role of mother or father, a child cannot automatically evoke feelings of caring and respect for him or her. The loyalty they feel toward their natural mother or father may make them inclined to resist feeling or demonstrating caring toward a stepparent. Also, a stepparent cannot automatically assume the role of loving mother or father. In many second families a new stepparent may never have had children before, making the whole concept of parenting foreign to him or her.
So what can couples do to create a home environment that will nurture these fragile relationships? The key is to allow them to develop naturally, with each new experience, just as other relationships do. Chances are the relationship with your partner was not a prearranged marriage. You met, and—over time—fell in love. Give your stepchildren the same opportunity.
Let go of preconceived notions about what the relationship will be like. If you have an idea of the perfect stepmother and stepdaughter relationship in your mind, let it go. Instead, let it evolve naturally. Don't try too hard (or get frustrated) if things aren't moving quickly enough. The same redeeming qualities that made your partner fall in love with you will eventually become apparent to his or her child. If you simply respectful and amicable to one another, that's a good enough place to start.
Agree with your partner and with the children on rules and limits for the household. Allow everyone's feelings to be heard and taken into consideration and make rules that everyone can agree on. This will require concessions on both parts, but if the children feel they are taken seriously and that their feelings are being respected, they will be more likely to abide by the house rules. Similarly, agree together as a group on consequences to breaking the rules.
Allow the children to feel they can talk about their natural parent. It is healthy for them to maintain affection for him or her. View it as an indication of their ability to love, not as a threat to the relationship that you're trying to build.
Logistically, keep as many things consistent in the children's lives as possible. If you're moving into a new home, avoid relocating out of their school district. Make sure they remain involved in sports or other activities they've previously participated in. It's important right now for other relationships in the child's life to remain intact.
Expect difficult times. They occur in every family and are a natural part of a family's growth and development. Many times, the strongest bonds are formed as a result of the most challenging situations.
Workplace Options. (Reviewed 2023). Successful stepparenting. Raleigh, NC: Author.