When Someone You Love Is Being Treated for Cancer: Part 1—Caring for Yourself

Make time for yourself.

You may feel that your needs aren't important right now. Or maybe by the time you've taken care of everything else, there's no time left for yourself. Or you may feel guilty that you can enjoy things that your loved one can't right now. Most caregivers say they have those same feelings. But caring for your own needs, hopes, and desires is important to give you the strength to carry on.

Taking time to recharge your mind, body, and spirit can help you be a better caregiver. You may want to think about

• Finding nice things you can do for yourself—even just a few minutes can help
• Cutting back on personal activities, rather than cutting them out entirely
• Finding things others can do or arrange for you, such as appointments or errands
• Looking for easy ways to connect with friends
• Finding larger chunks of "off-duty" time

Myths About Taking Care of Yourself.¹

• Myth: "Taking care of myself means that I have to be away from my loved one."
• Fact: You can do things to take care of yourself with or without your loved one in the room with you. What's important is that you do not neglect yourself.

• Myth: "Taking care of myself takes a lot of time away from other things."
• Fact: Some self-care only takes a few minutes, such as reading an upbeat passage from a book. Other self-care can be done in moments between longer tasks.

• Myth: "I'd have to learn how to focus on myself. I don't know if I can start."
• Fact: Whenever things make you feel happier, lighter, more relaxed, or more energized, these count as taking care of yourself. Think of things that you already know work for you."

Ways to Nurture Yourself

Take stock of your own feelings.

Giving yourself an outlet for your own thoughts and feelings is important. Think about what would help lift your spirits. Would talking with others help ease your load? Or would you rather have quiet time by yourself? Maybe you need both, depending on what's going on in your life. It's helpful for you and others to know what you need.

Find comfort.

Your mind needs a break from the demands of caregiving. Think about what gives you comfort or helps you relax. Caregivers say that even a few minutes a day without interruptions helps them to cope and focus.

Take 15 to 30 minutes each day to do something for yourself, no matter how small it is. For example, caregivers often find that they feel less tired and stressed after light exercise. Try to make time for taking a walk, going for a run, or doing gentle stretches.

You may find that it's hard to relax even when you have time for it. Some caregivers find it helpful to do exercises designed to help you relax, such as stretching or yoga. Other relaxing activities include taking deep breaths or just sitting still.

Small Things to Do for Yourself.

Each day, take some time to do something for yourself, no matter how small it is. This might include

• Napping
• Exercise or yoga
• Keeping up with a hobby
• Taking a drive
• Seeing a movie
• Working in the yard
• Going shopping
• Catching up on phone calls, letters, or e-mails

Join a support group.

Support groups can meet in person, by phone, or over the Internet. They may help you gain new insights into what is happening, get ideas about how to cope, and help you know that you're not alone. In a support group, people may talk about their feelings, trade advice, and try to help others who are dealing with the same kinds of issues. Some people like to go and just listen. Others prefer not to join support groups at all. Some people aren't comfortable with this kind of sharing.

If you can't find a group in your area, try a support group on the Internet. Some caregivers say websites with support groups have helped them a lot.

Talk to a counselor.

You may be feeling overwhelmed and feel like talking to someone outside your inner circle of support. Some caregivers find it helpful to talk to a counselor, social worker, psychologist or other mental health professional. Others also find it helpful to turn to a leader in their faith or spiritual community. All may be able to help you talk about things that you don't feel you can talk about with your loved one or others around you. You also might find ways of expressing your feelings and learn ways of coping that you hadn't thought of before.

Connect with your loved one.

Cancer may bring you and your loved one together more than ever before. Often people become closer as they face challenges together. If you can, take time to share special moments with one another. Try to gain strength from all you are going through together, and what you have dealt with so far. This may help you move toward the future with a positive outlook and feelings of hope.

Connect with others.

Studies show that connecting with people is very important to most caregivers. It's especially helpful when you feel overwhelmed or want to say things that you can't say to your loved one. Try to find someone you can really open up to about your feelings or fears. You may find it helpful to talk with someone outside the situation. Also, it may help to have an informal network of people to contact, either by phone or in person. If you're concerned about a caregiving issue, you may want to talk with your loved one's health care team. Knowledge often helps reduce fears.

Look for the positive.

It can be hard finding positive moments when you're busy caregiving. It can be also hard to adjust to your role as a caregiver. Caregivers say that looking for the good things in life helps them feel better. Once a day, think about something that you found rewarding about caregiving, such as gratitude you've received, or extra support from a health care provider. You might also take a moment to feel good about anything else from the day that is positive—a nice sunset, a hug, or something funny that you heard or read.

Let yourself laugh.

It's okay to laugh, even when your loved one is in treatment. In fact, it's healthy. Laughter releases tension and makes you feel better. You can read humor columns, watch comedy shows, or talk with upbeat friends. Or just remember funny things that have happened to you in the past. Keeping your sense of humor in trying times is a good coping skill.

Write in a journal.

Research shows that writing or journaling can help relieve negative thoughts and feelings, and it may actually help improve your own health. You can write about any topic. You might write about your most stressful experiences, or you may want to express your deepest thoughts and feelings. You can also write about things that make you feel good, such as a stress-free day or a kind coworker or friend.

Another technique people use is to write down whatever comes to mind. It doesn't have to make sense or have correct grammar. It just helps to get all the “jumble” out of your mind and onto the paper.

Be thankful.

You may feel thankful that you can be there for your loved one. You may be glad for a chance to do something positive and give to another person in a way you never knew you could. Some caregivers feel that they've been given the chance to build or strengthen a relationship. This doesn't mean that caregiving is easy or stress-free, but finding meaning in caregiving can make it easier to manage.

Do your usual activities.

If you can, try to keep doing some of your regular activities. Studies show that not doing those activities increases the stress you feel. Keep it simple and stick with things you do well. Be willing to change your routines. You may have to do things at a different time of day or for less time than you do normally.

Learn more about cancer.

Sometimes understanding your loved one's medical situation can make you feel more confident and in control. For example, you may want to know more about his or her stage of cancer. It may help you to know what to expect during treatment, such as the tests and procedures that will be done, as well as the side effects that will result.

Reference

1. The Hospice of the Florida Suncoast. (n.d.) Caring for yourself while caring for others: Removing the barriers to self-care. Adapted with permission.