Sharing Your Feelings About Cancer

Talking about your feelings can help you deal with your cancer.

• Choose a good listener.
• Choose a good time to share your feelings.
• Understand your feelings of anger.
• Be truthful to what your feelings are.

You may need to find someone outside your family to talk to. Cancer is too much to handle all by yourself.

Your friends and family have feelings about your cancer.

Just as you have strong feelings about cancer, your family or friends will react to it as well. For instance, your friends or family may

• Hide or deny if they feel sad.
• Find someone to blame for your cancer.
• Change the subject when someone talks about cancer.
• Act mad for no real reason.
• Make jokes about cancer.
• Pretend to be cheerful all the time.
• Avoid talking about your cancer.
• Stay away from you, or keep their visits short.

Finding a Good Listener

It can be hard to talk about how it feels to have cancer, but talking can help, even though it's hard to do. Many people find that they feel better when they share their thoughts and feelings with their close family and friends.

Friends and family members may not always know what to say to you. Sometimes they can help by just being good listeners. They don't always need to give you advice or tell you what they think. They simply need to show that they care and are concerned about you.

You might find it helpful to talk about your feelings with people who aren't family or friends. Instead, you might want to meet in a support group with others who have cancer or talk with a counselor.

Choosing a Good Time to Talk

Some people need time before they can talk about their feelings. If you aren't ready, you might say, "I don't feel like talking about my cancer right now. MaybeI will later." And sometimes when you want to talk, your family and friends may not be ready to listen.

It's often hard for other people to know when to talk about cancer. Sometimes people send a signal when they want to talk. They might

• Bring up the subject of cancer.
• Talk about things that have to do with cancer, such as a newspaper story about a new cancer treatment.
• Spend more time with you.
• Act nervous or make jokes that aren't very funny.

You can help people feel more comfortable by asking them what they think or how they feel. Sometimes people can't put their feelings into words. Sometimes, they just want to hug each other or cry together. A man with stomach cancer said,

It was really hard to get my sister to talk about my cancer. Finally, I just said to her, "I know you're really worried and scared. So am I. Let's talk about it." She was so relieved that I had brought the subject up.

Expressing Anger

Many people feel angry or frustrated when they deal with cancer. You might find that you get mad or upset with the people you depend on. You may get upset with small things that never bothered you before.

People can't always express their feelings. Anger sometimes shows up as actions instead of words. You may find that you yell a lot at the kids or the dog. You might slam doors.

Try to figure out why you are angry. Maybe you're afraid of the cancer or are worried about money. You might even be angry about your treatment. A man with advanced cancer said,

I got so angry some days that I just wanted to take it out on something. On those days, I always tried to be angry at my cancer, not at my wife and daughter.

Be true to your feelings.

Some people pretend to be cheerful, even when they're not. They think that they won't feel sad or angry if they act cheerful, or they want to seem as if they're able to handle the cancer themselves. Also, your family and friends may not want to upset you and will act as if nothing is bothering them. You may even think that by being cheerful, your cancer will go away.

When you have cancer, you have many reasons to be upset. Down days are to be expected. You don't have to pretend to be cheerful when you're not. This can keep you from getting the help you need. Be honest and talk about all your feelings, not just the positive ones. An older woman with liver cancer said,

The advice of well-meaning friends to be positive, optimistic, and upbeat can also be a call for silence. Ask them about it. Don't let them force you to put on a fake smile when that's the last thing you feel like doing.

Sharing Without Talking

For many, it's hard to talk about being sick. Others feel that cancer is a personal or private matter and find it hard to talk openly about it. If talking is hard for you, think about other ways to share your feelings. For instance, you may find it helpful to write about your feelings. This might be a good time to start a journal or diary if you don't already have one. Writing about your feelings is a good way to sort through them and a good way to begin to deal with them. All you need to get started is something to write with and something to write on.

Journals can be personal or shared. People can use a journal as a way of "talking" to each other. If you find it hard to talk to someone near to you about your cancer, try starting a shared journal. Leave a booklet or pad in a private place that both of you select. When you need to share, write in it and return it to the private place. Your loved one will do the same. Both of you will be able to know how the other is feeling without having to speak aloud.

If you have e-mail, this can also be a good way to share without talking.