Tips for Assertive Communication
Assertive messages contain three parts: behavior, feelings, and effects. The behavior is a nonjudgmental description of the behavior to be changed. The feelings part is a disclosure of the asserter's feelings. This component may be implied and may not always be stated directly. The effects part is a clarification of the concrete and tangible effect of the other person's behavior on the asserter.
Assertive Message Components
Assertive messages contain six different components: preparation, sending the message, silence, reflectively listening to the defensive response, recycling, and focusing on the problem:
- Preparation: Before sending an assertive message, the sender must determine whether the message infringes on another's personal space or rights, whether the behavior being addressed is consistent behavior (occurring continually), if rapport has been developed with the person, and whether an assertive message is likely to change behavior. In some cases, an assertive message is not likely to result in behavior change, and other techniques may be required.
- Sending the Message: The message is often sent without a significant amount of "small talk" and is often directly to the point. Body language should confirm the message tone: eye contact should be made by looking at the person in the eyes, the sender's posture should be upright and leaning slightly forward, and the sender's facial expression should be consistent with the message.
- Silence: After the message has been sent, remain quiet. Allow the receiving person to interpret and understand the message. The amount of silence will ultimately depend on the particular situation.
- Reflectively Listening to the Defensive Response: The sender should listen to any message sent by the receiver. Caution should be exercised at this point. Some people will launch an aggressive offensive, ask questions, or try to sidetrack the assertive person. Listen to the person's message. The message may provide new information and consequently move the assertive message in a new and positive direction.
- Debates should be avoided and deflected; focus on the behavior and the solution.
- An assertive person may find it necessary to make repeated assertions (broken record) to bring the other person back to the focus of the dialogue. (See next point.)
- The assertive person should use "fogging" to avoid taking the defensive response personally. Fogging refers to an assertive person's ability to deflect or ignore personal characterizations or attacks by the other person and refrain from rewarding the behavior.
- If the other person criticizes the assertive person, and there is some truth to the criticism, the assertive person should recognize and admit fault. The focus should remain on the behavior and the solution, while treating the person with respect. (See last point.)
- Recycling Steps: The assertive person may need to repeat the process several times until the other person recognizes the behavior or the matter is resolved. The number of reiterations may vary depending on the situation.
- Focus on the Solution: An effective assertive message does not force the person into a yes or no response and allows the person an opportunity to take appropriate action. Compromise on the part of the assertive person and the other person may be one solution. The assertive person must ensure the solution meets his or her needs and should not be overly concerned if the other person is excited about meeting the needs of the assertive person. Once a solution is determined, the assertive person should paraphrase the solution back to the other person, and always thank the other person.
Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA). (2007, June 28). Assertive communication handout (Pub. No. IS144) [Excerpt]. Retrieved October 2, 2018, from https://www.fema.gov/