Listening to Clarify, Probe, and Reframe
Listening to Clarify
One of the most difficult tasks you will have is to be sure the words you hear have the same meaning for you as they have for the other person speaking. Often, people hear the same words but get a different meaning. This is because everything people hear is affected by their own personal knowledge and backgrounds. When everyone is speaking the same language, they are often tempted to assume that they know what the other person really means.
Listening to clarify helps you to check that assumption and verify the meaning intended by the other person speaking. This is often true with words that express generalized concepts. Words and phrases like "irresponsible," "communication problems," or "personality difficulties" are good examples of words that are easily misunderstood. If there is the least doubt in your mind, you need to ask questions for clarification. These questions should be open-ended and carry lead-ins such as
- "I'm not sure what you mean by..."
- "Could you please clarify for me...?"
- "Please explain to me what you mean by..."
- "Would you please say a little more about...?"
Listening to Probe for More Information
Early in the communication, the other person often mentions an incident or issue that may seem clear at the time. However, as the discussion continues you may need further clarification. Similarly, if there appear to be hidden deeper emotions, you may want to ask for more information.
At such times, it is appropriate for you to ask such questions or make such statements as
- "Would you please tell me more about...?"
- "I sense that there is more about..."
- "I sense that there is more that you need to say."
- "I hear some strong feeling in your words. Do you want to tell us more about that?"
- "Could you please explain a little more about the significance of this event?"
As a general rule in probing for information, it is better never to ask "why" questions.
These questions are often threatening and raise defences, because they confront the other person's judgment and motives.
It is also very important to use questions carefully.
Interrupting by asking frequent questions, especially in the initial stages of the conversation, can distract the other person and deflect them from the story they need to tell. Generally, both clarifying questions and probing questions should be held until the other person has completed what they want to say.
Listening to Reframe
When both you and the other person are satisfied that all the issues have been discussed, it is helpful to bring the discussion into focus by summarizing the problems. The summary may involve reframing the key problems in the form of "interests versus positions."
Reframing is an excellent way to transition into problem solving. At this point, the focus of the discussion changes dramatically from what has happened in the past to what both parties would like in the future.
The purpose of reframing is to
- Accurately identify the interests and needs of both you and the other person
- Break down and prioritize problems into small, manageable parts
Use lead-ins that will frame the issue as a joint problem:
- "How can we...?"
- "What can be done to...?"
- "What time frame is acceptable to...?"
Problems should be framed as interests or needs. Use an open-ended question that requires both you and the other person to search for solutions to your joint problem. Here is an example: "What can be done to meet 'X' need for you and 'Y' need for me?"
Using this technique moves the conversation toward identifying solutions that meet both of your needs. This type of collaborative negotiation allows the needs of both of you to be met without sacrificing your relationship.
U.S. Department of Veteran's Affairs, Alternative Dispute Resolution. (Updated 2015, August 15). Listening to clarify, probe, and reframe. Retrieved September 12, 2019, from http://www.va.gov