Your Aging Parents: Having Difficult Conversations
As an adult child, you may begin to notice your aging parents require more assistance and that they are increasingly in need of information and advice. You may find yourself becoming concerned that they are not handling things as well as they used to or that their safety is in jeopardy. It may be challenging, however, to discuss such issues with your parents. Effectively communicating your feelings and concerns without putting them on the defensive may be a difficult task.
When talking with your aging parents, it's important to use an approach that lets them know that you want to understand and that you are not trying to take over their lives. Your approach should show a willingness to work with your parents. You may find that they express a hesitancy to accept assistance from you or from community resources. They may not want to spend their money on services or other types of assistance. If you find your parents not being cooperative, listen to what they are really saying. Their reluctance to change is not uncommon. It's important to remember that older adults need time to prepare for changes and to adjust to them. It's also important to emphasize their strengths and what they can do rather than dwell on what they can't do.
Effective communication requires listening and acknowledgment of feelings and opinions. It's important to talk with and not at your parents. The goal is open, honest communication.
Communication Tips
- Provide information to your parents regarding options and decisions that will affect them.
- Whenever possible and appropriate, include your parents in the decision-making process.
- Don't assume that you always know what your parents need or want.
- Pick your battles carefully. You may want to focus on safety concerns first.
- Find an appropriate time to talk that is good for both you and your parents.
- Discuss problems, and make an effort to find solutions by balancing the pros and cons.
- It may be helpful to listen to their feelings and find meanings behind the words being said.
- Limit your discussion to one topic at a time. Resolve and move on to the next topic.
- Avoid using phrases such as "You never" or "You always." This can get in the way of open communication. It's better to use phrases like "I have some concerns about" or "I worry that."
- Don't always be the bad guy. You can enlist the help of a family doctor or trusted friend to back you up.
- If communication is difficult, it may be necessary to seek help from a professional.
Workplace Options. (Revised 2021). Your aging parents: Having difficult conversations. Raleigh, NC: Author.