Benefits with County of San Diego

The Military Parent: Easing Separation Issues

Separations can be stressful for everyone, and especially for children. Even typical separations—like the first day of school or day care—can be difficult for child and parent alike. If you or your spouse or partner is preparing to leave for military service, there are many ways you can help ease your children's anxieties about the separation. Here are a few tips for reducing pre-separation stress.

Keep communication open.

Children are usually sensitive to change, and may anticipate that their daily lives are about to be altered. Speaking openly with children about the departure is an important first step in preventing unnecessary stress that may result from lack of communication. Making time for these discussions before the separation—even if it must be very brief—is crucial in bolstering a child's sense of security. Here are some tips for talking with your child:

• Remember that children are not always able to express their fears and concerns verbally. You may need to break the ice and ask about their concerns. One way to start is by asking them what they have heard about military service and war. This may bring out fears as well as misapprehensions. It will be a good opportunity for you to explain the basic points about the situation and to start an open discussion. Try to keep the discussion open, and include time for answering questions. Your openness and calmness will help your child deal with their fears.
• Discuss your role in the military so that your child can understand something about your assignment and the reason for your absence. Depending upon their ages, your children may be able to share in the pride you feel in serving the country. You may be able to tell your loved ones something about where you will be located. If you are not, you may want to explain that this is for the safety of the family as well as the nation. Providing some limited details about your military duties also may make your child feel more connected to you while you are gone.
• Discuss any alternate child care arrangements that may be put in place. This will help children feel more comfortable about changes in their daily routine, and it may also help you to assess their comfort level with these changes. Remember that their comfort level will need to be monitored over time.
• Give realistic messages about the length of the loved one's absence. Be honest, and resist the urge to give false assurances if the length of time is unclear. Children may be calmed by the promise to keep them informed as more information is available.
• Discuss ways in which you or your loved one will stay connected during the absence. You may want to investigate the lines of communication that will be available to you while you are away, so you can outline plans for bridging the distance between you and your family. Remind children of the other important, supportive people in their lives, and how they will also stay in close touch with them.

Make your time together quality time.

Before you leave, create as much quality time as possible. This doesn't necessarily mean lengthy family outings, but rather time for emotional contact and affection. Hugs and kisses will be very important during this stressful time. Extra TLC (tender loving care) by both the departing and remaining parent will communicate your love for your child, and provide reassurance and a sense of security. The parent or loved one who stays with the child will also need to make room for as much quality time as possible. Remember that even the briefest exchanges of support and love count!

Keep your child's teachers or caregivers informed.

Notifying children's teachers and/or caregivers that one parent is away will assist them in monitoring the child's behavior and emotions, and informing you of any changes they may observe. Teachers and caregivers who are informed will be better able to respond sensitively to any behavioral or academic issues that may arise. They should be able to provide extra support and can let the child know they are there for them during this difficult time.

Engage the child in your departure planning.

Providing opportunities for children to be helpful is another important way to maintain your bonds with them and make them feel important and respected. They may be able to help you pack, or may want to draw a special picture for you to bring with you. They may enjoy choosing a favorite family photo to have you bring. The departing parent may want to exchange a small item or memento with the child. Another idea is for both the child and departing parent to make a list of happy or funny family moments, and exchange them. What a great accompaniment for a meaningful photograph! Use your creativity, and remember how much it means to children to feel helpful and expressive.