Grieving the Loss of an Adult Sibling

The loss of an adult sibling can be deeply felt, sometimes with complicated emotions. However, the grieving sibling is often overlooked when people offer condolences and care. Attention tends to be focused on other family members, such as the deceased person's parents, spouse, partner, or children.

Whether you and your sibling were close as adults or led separate lives, whether you were on good terms or bad, you have a right to grieve the loss of a person who was an important part of your life.

The Sibling Relationship

The sibling relationship is unique in many ways. Siblings share their parents' love and attention, and they compete for it. As children, they play together and they fight. Sibling relationships can be complicated, mixing closeness and love with jealousy, resentment, and anger.

Siblings share memories of childhood in ways that friends and partners never can. With differences in age and birth order, siblings often experience and understand their family in different ways. As adults, your siblings' memories can help you make sense of the past and the family that formed you.

Sibling Grief

When you lose a sibling, you lose one of the oldest relationships you have. Different people experience the loss of a sibling in different ways, reflecting the wide range of sibling relationships. You might feel

• Sadness at the loss of a long-term relationship
• Shock that a person who has always been part of your life, and who you expected always would be, is now gone
• Emptiness with the absence of an important connection to your past
• Confusion as your place in your family and the world shifts (Long-established roles and expectations within the family may change with the loss of your sibling.)
• Guilt over things you said or did in the past, or over negative thoughts you have had about your sibling
• Regret for not maintaining a closer relationship
• A heightened sense of your own mortality

Some of these emotions and reactions can be painful and disturbing. The intensity of your feelings may also be surprising to you, especially if you haven't been close to your sibling as an adult.

Your grief reactions can also be complicated by how others perceive your loss and their expectations of how you should respond:

• Siblings are often neglected when considering who needs support and consolation and even who should be involved in planning a memorial service. As a result, you may feel overlooked when attention is showered on your sibling's spouse or partner and children, or on your parents if they are alive.
• Your partner, children, and friends may not understand the depths of your feelings. They didn't have the childhood connection that you had with your sibling and may not understand the lifelong bond you shared. From their perspective, your sibling might be someone who had only a minor role in your life.
• It's all too common for people to expect those grieving a loss to "get over it," "put on a smile," and get back quickly to the normal routines of life. This is a general misunderstanding of the power of grief and the time it takes to work through the emotions of a loss. It's not unique to the loss of a sibling. If you feel that your grief is ignored or discounted, the people around you may have little understanding of or patience for your grief.

Coping with the Loss of a Sibling

It's important to recognize that the emotions you feel after the loss of a sibling are real and that you have a right to grieve:

• Allow yourself to feel what may be painful emotions. Pay attention to your emotions, and accept them as genuine reactions to your loss. There are no "good" or "bad" emotions and no "right" or "wrong" ways to grieve. Accept painful emotions as testaments to the depth of your relationship with your sibling.
• Forgive yourself. If you have confusing or uncomfortable emotions in response to the loss of your sibling, don't judge yourself. Sibling relationships are complicated, and it's normal to have complicated grief reactions when a sibling dies. Forgive yourself for the tensions there may have been in your relationship and for not remaining closer as adults.
• Accept different grief responses. Your reaction to the loss of your sibling may be very different from the reactions of other siblings or your parents if they are still alive. Don't judge others for their reactions, and don't let others judge you. Be open and honest with each other without criticizing or blaming.
• Share your thoughts and feelings with someone who will listen and be helpful. That might be a close friend or family member. It might be a spiritual advisor, or it might be a professional psychologist or counselor.
• Ask for support and understanding. If your family and close friends are being dismissive of your grief, assert yourself and explain that your grief is real. Remind yourself that that you and your sibling have a relationship going back to childhood.
• If you are a twin, seek extra support. The loss of a twin can be particularly difficult. You may feel that you've lost a part of yourself and no longer feel whole. If you are struggling, seek help from a professional grief counselor. The Twinless Twins Support Group International offers helpful resources on its website at Link opens in a new windowhttps://twinlesstwins.org.
• Find ways to remember your sibling. You might make a family memory book with pictures and stories, asking for contributions from other family members. You might start a journal to record your thoughts and memories of your sibling. You might make a memorial contribution in your sibling's name.
• Be kind to yourself. Make a special effort to take good care of yourself with healthy eating, sleep, and exercise habits and by engaging in activities you enjoy.

For More Information

Noel, B. & Blair, P. (2008). I wasn't ready to say goodbye: Surviving, coping, and healing after the sudden death of a loved one. Naperville, IL: Sourcebooks.

Rando, T. (1991). How to go on living when someone you love dies. New York: Bantam Books.