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Getting a Restraining Order Against an Abusive Partner (Part 1)

If you are in an abusive relationship, you can take steps to protect yourself, such as getting a restraining order. There are also laws to protect you. One option is leaving the relationship. Many people can support you in leaving safely, including police, social workers, shelter workers, friends, and family. You can also create a safety plan if you decide to leave in the future.

What happens if I call the police about abuse?

First, the police will make sure everyone is safe, which might mean arresting someone who has a weapon or is physically hurting or threatening you.

Once you are safe, the police will ask you questions about what happened. The police can also offer information about community resources for temporary housing and other support you might need. If the alleged abuser is present, the police will probably take you to separate areas to talk individually about what happened.

It can be difficult to talk to strangers—police, counselors, or health care professionals. You might feel scared, ashamed, or embarrassed. It can also be difficult to tell your story many times to different people. Take your time. They are there to help. The questions they ask are necessary for the official police report, which will be used to support a court case if there is one.

If you aren't ready to report the violence or leave your abuser, you can take steps to make yourself safer now. Steps include creating a safety plan, including a packing list of important items and documents to take with you in a hurry; finding a place you can go in an emergency, such as a friend's house or a local shelter; and finding other resources in your community.

What is the difference between a police report and filing charges?

When the police investigate a crime, or ask you and other witnesses questions about what happened, they must file a report. A police report is not the same thing as filing charges. This police report is important. It documents the violence, even if the abuser denies the violence, and creates an official record that can be used as evidence in court.

The police may decide to file criminal charges against the abuser after their investigation is completed. Once the police file criminal charges, a lawyer for the state (called a prosecutor) will begin a court case against the abuser.

What should I tell the police if I've been abused?

You can choose what to share with the officers who respond. Only you can decide what to say, because you know your situation better than anyone else. Here are some tips if you want to hold the person criminally accountable:

  • Tell the police about anything your partner did or said that would be an example of a crime, such as physical or sexual violence or threats made to you verbally or in writing.
  • Show the police any injuries or bruises you have. It may be painful to talk about or show, but the more information you can give the police, the better it is for documenting the abuse.
  • Remember: Even if you do not have physical bruises or other signs of abuse, that does not mean your partner has not committed a crime.
  • Share whatever you are comfortable with in order to help the officers understand the circumstances and why you're seeking support. If you have any emails, screenshots, or texts that show abuse, show the police. Any written or video evidence you have will also be helpful.

Even if there isn't a criminal charge filed against your partner, you can use the police report to help you if you go to family court or get a protection order. Learn more at the Center for Domestic Peace about the benefits of calling the police and about what to tell the police when they arrive (Link opens in a new windowhttps://centerfordomesticpeace.org/should-i-call-the-police).

Will we go to court if I call the police?

Maybe. If you've been abused and call the police, the police must file a report. A lawyer for the state government, called the prosecutor, may decide to file a criminal charge in court against the person who hurt you. When this happens, the state government brings charges against the person who harmed you. At this point, you can no longer drop the charges, because it is the state government, not you, that has filed the charges. In court, the state will try to prove its case against the person who hurt you.

What is a protection order or restraining order?

Protection orders, often called restraining orders, are meant to keep you safe from a person who is harassing or hurting you. The police can arrest a person who violates a restraining order and charge them with a crime. Depending on the laws in your state, restraining orders may also allow you to have sole custody of children, make an abuser move out of a shared home, and make an abuser pay your court and legal fees.1 Federal law says that you can get a restraining order for free.

You can get more than one type of restraining order at the same time. Laws about restraining orders or other orders of protection are different in each state. Learn more about the laws in your state at WomensLaw.org (Link opens in a new windowhttps://www.womenslaw.org/laws). Experts in local law will be able to help you the most.

Common types of restraining orders include the following:

  • Emergency restraining order—The police may issue this if you are in immediate danger or cannot get to the courthouse right away to file a more permanent restraining order. It usually expires after a few days.
  • Temporary restraining order—A judge may issue this to help keep you safe in the time before your case goes to court. Temporary restraining orders usually last for about 14 days.
  • No-contact order—A judge may issue this if the case goes to court and the abuser is charged with a crime. It is a punishment for a crime, and it means the abuser may not have any contact with you.2 A no-contact order can last for a short or long time, depending on the facts of your case.
  • Domestic violence restraining order—A judge may issue this after a court hearing. A domestic violence restraining order lasts longer than emergency or temporary restraining orders, possibly for several years.3

How does a restraining order help?

A restraining, or protection, order can legally force someone who abuses you or harasses you to

  • Stay away from you physically and have no contact with you by phone, by email, through social media, or otherwise—even through another person
  • Pay temporary child support, continue making mortgage payments on a home you own together or rental payments if the person's name is on the lease, and allow you to stay in the home while the other person lives somewhere else
  • Turn over any guns to the police
  • Have regular drug testing and attend counseling for domestic violence or drug and alcohol use
  • Stay away from your children and their school, or visit the children only with supervision
  • Do other things designed to protect you (Judges have flexibility and will work with you to ensure that the order, if granted, meets your needs.)

If you have a restraining order and the person who hurt you does not follow it (tries to contact you or your children), call the police right away. The police can arrest the person for not following the order.

References

  1. WomensLaw.org. (Updated 2023, April 27). Domestic violence restraining orders. Retrieved March 25, 2024, from Link opens in a new windowhttps://www.womenslaw.org/laws/general/restraining-orders
  2. King, S. (2018, December 15). Difference between no contact order vs. restraining order. Retrieved March 25, 2024, from Legal Beagle: Link opens in a new windowhttps://legalbeagle.com/5914506-difference-order-vs-restraining-order.html
  3. FindLaw. (Reviewed 2023, May 16). Domestic violence: Orders of protection and restraining orders. Retrieved March 25, 2024, from Link opens in a new windowhttps://www.findlaw.com/family/domestic-violence/domestic-violence-orders-of-protection-and-restraining-orders.html

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS), Office on Women's Health (OWH). (Updated 2021, February 15). Getting a restraining order. In Domestic or intimate partner violence. Retrieved March 25, 2024, from https://www.womenshealth.gov

More about this Topics

  • Coping with Crime Victimization

  • What You Can Do if You're a Victim of Crime

  • Leaving an Abusive Relationship (Part 1)

  • Leaving an Abusive Relationship (Part 2)

  • Getting a Restraining Order Against an Abusive Partner (Part 2)

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