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When a Baby Joins the Family

A new baby—and for your children, a new brother or sister—means everything will still be the same, only better! Except that the minute a new baby comes into the house, children can't help but realize that something profound has happened. There's someone else who's getting the ooh!s and aah!s and kisses and hugs. How can that be a good thing? The prospect of sibling rivalry is just one of the many unknowns that come with a new baby. As a parent, it's a good idea to prepare yourself and your children. Here are some ways to ease the adjustment.

Before the Baby Arrives

Tell the kids about the baby early.

Before your children hear about it from someone else, anticipate questions about mom's belly and who the new playpen is for. Picture books can help children under four years old understand what's going on, and many local health centers hold sibling-preparation classes. Let your children feel the baby kick, talk to the baby, and start to make friends even before the baby is born.

Paint a real picture of what a new baby means.

The bottom line is that things will not be the same. Toddlers need to know that the baby will be adorable but will also cry a lot. Mom and Dad will be tired. An infant isn't going to be a made-to-order doll or playmate for your child. What won't change, however, is that your child will be continue to be loved, both by you, as parents, and by the new baby.

Make changes before the baby comes home.

Any changes to your living arrangements—switching rooms or moving your child from a crib to a bed—should take place well before the baby moves in. If in the middle of major transitions such as toilet training, try to finish before the baby arrives; if it's not possible, put the plans on hold until the excitement calms down.

Let your kids in on the planning.

Take your children with you when you shop for furniture, clothing, and supplies. Older brothers and sisters can help decorate baby's new room. Talk about what's going to happen when you go to the hospital to deliver, and take some time with your children to look at their baby pictures.

Set up a gift exchange.

Especially if you have a toddler, find a gift for your child that will be from the baby. Likewise, take your child shopping for a gift for the baby, from them. Even if your child is school age, a gift exchange sets up the idea of bonding between siblings.

After the Baby Comes Home

Whenever and wherever possible, keep things the same.

Try to avoid changing schedules, routines, and rules around the house. Your toddler's car seat should be in the same position as always, as well as their place at the table. Bath time should be at the same hour, the same limits should be put on TV viewing, the same books should be read before bed, etc.

Allow your children to have a role as a sibling.

Let your older children know that they have a job now—caring for the baby. Let kids hold, feed, or dress the baby, and help with tasks like changing diapers if it's age appropriate. Toddlers will sometimes rebel and act aggressively toward the baby. This calls for immediate action: a time-out and a strong message of "This must never happen again!" Be sure to praise gentle and loving behavior. This will reinforce the importance of being a big brother or sister.

Be sure that the kids know their feelings are OK.

A new baby in the house can be a pretty overwhelming thing, and kids should feel free to talk about their feelings. Toddlers might want to express their frustrations by drawing pictures, or say, "I hate that baby!" It may be hard to hear, but children have to know that mom and dad understand. Also, check in with kids over 5 years old who may not be as vocal to make sure they're not feeling left out.

Expect your child to regress.

Don't worry if your baby's arrival turns your toddler into an infant. It's only temporary, and natural for a toilet-trained kid to start having accidents, or to ask for a bottle as a way to get attention. Avoid punishing or making fun of your older child when they imitate the baby. Instead, reward them for acting grown-up.

Set aside time specifically for older children.

Both toddlers and school age children are going to need some one-on-one time with their parents with a newborn around. While the baby's at home with Mom, it's often ideal to put Dad into action. Take the older children on special outings and remember to that no matter what age your kids are, they will always need to be held.

Attention and affection should be shared with everyone.

When friends and family come to visit your newborn, ask them to spend time with your older children, too. Let your kids be the one to unwrap the baby's gifts, or play with them if there appears to be some jealousy. When doling out hugs and kisses to the baby, call your toddler over for their share. And as your infant gets older, find time to play with all of your children, together.

Sibling relationships are always very special, and most always will involve some degree of rivalry. Families with infant twins often find that older siblings are twice as jealous. And in the case of blended families, when a half-brother or half-sister is born it can take extra effort to assure older children that they're still loved. But in pretty much every case, learning to be a good brother or good sister involves learning how to share, how to handle difficult feelings, and how to appreciate differences. These are skills which will help your child throughout their entire lives.