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About Sibling Rivalry

Chances are your kids are going to grow up as each other's friends, playmates, confidants, and protectors. They'll also be enemies, competitors, and adversaries when it comes to getting what they want from you, as parents and caretakers. The ongoing battles and daily squabbles probably won't reach the fairytale proportions of Cinderella and her dreaded stepsisters, but whether you like it or not, children in the same family are going to fight. It's only natural. However, a little rivalry is not always a bad thing, provided parents keep on their toes and see it for what it is: a necessary part of growing up.

There's no way around it!

Brothers and sisters fight for all sorts of reasons, starting with the fact that they're going after the same thing: the love, time, attention, and approval of their parents. Competition is a completely natural instinct, as is the simple teasing that starts many children's arguments—it helps kids learn how other people operate emotionally. Also, there's no denying that this is a competitive society where children are told to win and be the best. Of course your children are going to be jealous of each other from time to time.

When it all gets to be too much, it's important to remember that the bickering is not anyone's fault—not the oldest kid's or the youngest kid's or yours, as a parent. Conflict is simply going to happen; that's the way it works.

Why is it worse with some kids?

A variety of factors decide which kids are going to have a harder time sharing in a family setting and what might figure into tension around the house:

• Temperament—Some kids are naturally more easygoing and willing to play well with others, which tends to win them praise. Others may have a more difficult or forceful personality, and they may find ways to get attention through problem behavior.
• Gender—In general, rivalry is reduced when two children are of the opposite sex. With two boys or two girls, there's more pressure to be different, to be better than one another, and find different ways to compete for a parent's affection.
• Age and age difference—When a new baby is born, younger children often have the hardest time. It's extremely difficult for toddlers less than three or four years old to share anything, much less grasp that their parents have enough love to go around. Also, sibling rivalry sometimes becomes more obvious when kids are older and more directly in competition (playing the same games, going to the same school, etc.).

What can I do?

For parents dealing with sibling rivalry, the first step is to understand that all of the above makes each child, and each child's experience as a sibling, different. To play fair, you must realize that your children are not equal. They're all unique individuals. Here are some hints for navigating the sibling rivalry playing field:

• Appreciate each child's differences. Treating each child the same way will only make one or the other feel cheated. Maybe an older child should get more privileges, as well as more responsibilities.
• Never play favorites. Even if you particularly see yourself in one child and may feel you understand them better than the other, never, never, never allow your children to feel or see any favoritism.
• Try not to take sides. Parents of fighting kids often rush to punish the at-fault child, who is often the dominant personality. But there are two sides to every story. Often it's impossible to truly tell who started it.
• Validate your child's feelings. Anger may quickly disappear if a child knows you recognize and understand their frustration. Children often need parents to name their feelings: "That made you mad!"
• Don't ignore good behavior. It's easy to overlook the kid who's not causing a problem. Try shifting the focus and attention away from bad behavior; rewarding the good behavior will act as a cue for both children.
• Avoid making comparisons between children. Comparing kids—"Look at how neat your brother is!"—will only make them more competitive and can backfire if you're trying to encourage good behavior.
• Plan activities where everyone can win. If one kid's an athlete and the other's an artist, weekly games of catch might not be your best bet for family fun. Be creative, and find things for everyone's talents.
• Spend time with each child, and give each their own space. Be sure to regularly make time for each one of your children. It's also important that they have their own space in the house, even if it's not a separate room, and are allowed their own privacy.
• Take turns with privileges and tasks. Set a clear schedule for alternating things like "riding shot gun" in the car, choosing a TV program or restaurant, and helping with the dishes or taking out the trash.
• Whenever possible, stay out of fights. When left to themselves, kids will often settle their own problems. It might work to simply ignore the argument, to go into another room, or to send the kids outside. Without a referee, fighting isn't as much fun.

Sometimes, however, you as parents do have to get involved. You must step in if the same argument keeps happening over and over again, or if the fight is serious and one or both children are in danger. If the conflict keeps repeating itself, draw attention to this. Ask the kids for their ideas on how to resolve it, once and for all. If the situation is getting violent, make it clear to both children that letting things get to this point is never OK. Separate the children, and wait until they've both calmed down. Then, and only then, listen to what each child has to say, and together try to come up with a solution.

Sibling rivalry is never going to be a walk in the park, no matter who's involved or how you handle it. But it doesn't have to rule out a happily-ever-after. Parents may need a reminder that there's a plus side to the struggle: Your kids are learning how to deal with disagreements and how to stand up for themselves, so give yourself a break and keep your sense of humor. It will get easier.